A Reflection on Family

Last week I returned home for the first time in four months for Christmas. After this extended absence in which there was quite a bit of self discovery I was a little nervous of returning home. I wasn't sure how my past relationships were going to hold up, or how I would be received after finally being grounded in myself. To my pleasant surprise, it was the most rejuvenating experience I've had with my family in a very long time. In short it seemed all of my family relations were enhanced. Even spending time with friends and their families gave me this new sense of...something. Something positive. Although I"m not sure I can quite find a word for it. Now that's not to say all was perfect for it never is. However, upon returning to SoDak and having to go to Mass on Sunday, the homily was focused all about family which helped me sort out my thoughts.

Family is a beautiful thing in itself. It is living with our family that we are taught how to live with others. We are taught how to look at someone has a whole person with their strengths and weaknesses, their high moments and their lows, their love and their failures to love and accept them as they are. We are called to the great task of loving them not just for their positive traits, but to love our family members because of their positive and negative traits in the same way that God fully loves us. It's just as St. Paul calls the Colossians to do,

"...Put on, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful... And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him" (Colossians 3: 12-15, 17).

Thus the foundation for family is fidelity. When this fidelity and love is coupled with gratitude towards one another and towards God I've experience so much joy, even though there can be episodes of frustration (Some of you are probably thinking what about relationships outside of family? Well...hang on, we're getting there...). "Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8). 

Honestly, I'll say that none of this is exactly new and it also, unfortunately, isn't everyone's experience. As for the later, thankfully that's why the family is only the beginning and we are called to be Christ-like and bring these kind of relationships outside of our families. I mean how else to new families start? But it's more than just starting one's own family (if one is called to that) since one doesn't go out to start a family as much as one goes out to find someone to love. That is what we are all called to do whether that vocation is family life or not. That's because the core of our very being is grounded in God who is nothing but love. That and we are all members of God's family and although it's tough, we gotta act like it. Whether that's going out and volunteering one's time for the disenfranchised, the outcast, the lonely...those who want to fulfill the ground of their being of just loving and being loved in return. That's what family trains us for, is being Christ-like people in a world in need of, "heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another...as the Lord has forgiven you...And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful."

Thus I think it is important to reflect on the gifts that God has given every single one of us through our families. Whether that is our biological family, our family that we've committed to having with our spouse, our family of brothers and sisters in religious life, our family of volunteers whether the be Jesuit Volunteers, Peace Corps, AmeriCorps, or TFAs, our family of faith whom we worship and serve with, and of course our family of God that is so expansive that we could possibly never know all of its diverse members who include the homeless, the forgotten, the oppressed...but also the privileged, the wealth corporate CEO, the well off middle-class guy down the street, and even the person who hates and insults our being...all of whom are our neighbors. And we are called to love all of them equally. As the wise Franciscan Richard Rohr said, "We are love, and we are made for love, and our natural abiding place is love." God's a tough dad, but he's pretty clear that in his family we are judged for our fidelity not how close we get to perfection. 

Acceptance of the Overwhelming True-Self

It’s been a while since I've done of these posts. Probably because all of the stuff I could have blogged about I've journaled about instead, primarily because well that stuff is really just too personal for the interwebs…that and I’m pretty sure no one really wants to hear about those things, they’re honestly pretty much whining.

However, there was something…or somethings which are somehow in a complex yet not complex way related. In short I’m just gunna spew some stuff out and it may or may not be coherent.

So our spiritual envoy, a Jesuit Priest (Fathah J), gave us a set of reflections that he compiled for a spiritual dinner conversation. Basically we had to read and reflect on them before the dinner. That’s a minor detail; the more important detail is they’re by Richard Rohr, a Franciscan. Now, I know that people have mixed feelings about Rohr and that’s fine, but I ask that no conclusions are made yet. Aight, setting the stage. The first part of these reflections (which are both theologically deep and personally applicable) focuses on what Rohr calls, “The Immortal Diamond of the True Self.” Sounds pretty mystical to me, totes dig it. In a nutshell, Rohr talks about discovering one’s “True Self” which is, “…our souls, our inner destiny, our true identity. Your True Self is that part of you that knows who you are and whose you are, although largely unconsciously.” Rohr makes the valid point that we are very much afraid of our True Self as we cling to a false self that is primarily comprised of our thoughts of who we think we are. However, just as Rohr says, “…but thinking doesn't make it so.”

So we have to mine for that Immortal Diamond of our True Self. It’s kinda like the resurrection where we ask who will roll this rock away? This rock being our egos, specific life experience, culture, etc. It’s a rock that prevents us from seeing our True Self who we are called to become…who we are called to change ourselves into. This True Self is beyond temporal categories such as country, race, sex, etc. But is founded, grounded if you will, in the divine. Rohr sums this up nicely saying, “I believe that Christ is the archetypal True Self offered to history, where matter and spirit finally operate as one, where divine and human are held in one container.” Aquinas and Jon Duns Scotus both argue that God is not merely a Being but Being itself. This has a pretty significant implication for our True Selves. If God is Being itself, that means we by the mere fact exist, are a part of that Being and that Being is a part of us. That, consequently, means that our True Selves isn’t just a discovery of who we are a part from who we are told to be but also the recognition of the presence of God within us. “The True Self is both at the same time, and both are a total gift.” Thus we shouldn’t let anything compromise it, “What will it profit you if you gain the whole world and lose your own soul?” (Matt. 16:26). What is really cool about the True Self is something early Christian writers understood from the beginning, “…this discovery of our True Self is also at the same time a discovery of God…The two encounters with a True God and a True Self are largely experienced simultaneously and grow in parallel fashion.”

Bangin’.

So being out in SoDak, where nothing is familiar, where nothing and no one has expectations of who Mike O’Neill is, has allowed me to really go deep and engage with the search for that True Self. Part of that has been the overcoming of a great personal challenge: the desire for perfection and control of things to draw them closer to that perfection. When it comes to accepting one’s True Self there is only acceptance of what is and forgiveness of shortcomings. This is where God is found. Rohr notes,

“We don’t come to God (or truth or love) by insisting on some ideal worldly order or so-called perfection, but in fact we come “to knowledge of salvation by the experience of forgiveness” (Luke 1:77)—of reality, of others, of ourselves. One reason why I am so attracted to Jesus and then to Francis is that they found God in disorder, in imperfection, in the ordinary, and in the world – not in any idealized concepts. They were more into losing than winning.”

Once again…Bangin’.

This art of acceptance (and of letting go) leads to a much greater sense of gratitude and seeing the good and God in the world. Basically it makes it easier to see Being itself in Being. Granted this isn't like a pair of glasses you throw on and then forever see the world that way, of course it’s a struggle but when you've got that perception…damn life is good. Yeah, may not be ideal, but that’s fine cause otherwise it’s still pretty damn good.

Which leads me (yes, it ain't over yet) to kind of a real life rock removal (remember the whole ego, life experience stuff?). My good JV buddy Mike wrote a pretty bangin’ blog post which I will share: http://michaelprate.blogspot.com/2013/12/holy-longings.html. Basically it’s awesome and we were talking about it in the car on the way home from the radio. He had mentioned that he was talking with his mom who had called him, “overwhelming but in a good way.” He told me that he had thought, “That’s Mike O’Neill in a nutshell.” I was a little perplexed at what he was saying but in the end it made sense. He went off to explain that (and I say this not as an ego self-confidence booster thing, I honestly can’t stand that kinda stuff) he believed that I was overwhelming in the sense that I’m so vulnerable, genuine, and loving that sometimes people just can’t handle it. Like it’s almost too much all at once that maybe they don’t know what to do with it or perhaps even be intimidated by it. And that, in a vocational sense, it would take a special kind of person to be able to handle all of that love. My only thought…shit…never thought about it that way before. Positively Overwhelming. Is that even a thing? Guess so.

Now I say this again not to say how great I am or anything remotely close to that. I’m much more instinctively going to be critical of myself than proclaim how great I am. All that I am is who I am and that’s it. I’ll admit that I have a huge desire to love and in particular those close to me. I just want to pour myself out to them. I just want to do anything I can to make them happy and express my love for them. Now thinking about that, I can see how that can make people uncomfortable and I can think of many particular examples. Just part of being overwhelming in a good way. I also want to love people I don’t know as well, but my introvert-tendencies make that very difficult and I’m stuck with a desire to love rather than loving itself. Like that drunk person in the orchard behind our house, or that elder who has an hour long story to tell. I want to show them love, but, it’s just so draining that I just find myself saying, “I can’t do this right now.” In fact I rarely find myself saying, “I can do this right now.” But hey I’m human and its part of who I am. That’s not to say it’s not something to work on but it is an acceptance of who I am, of my True Self. God gives everyone gifts that are unique and talking and showing love to those whom I don’t know is just not the greatest gift God gave me as a human being. That doesn't mean I shouldn't try, but it isn't where I’ll do the most good and it isn't where I’ll connect with God the most (again not to say that I can’t find God in those interactions). Rather, I’d have to say that God has gifted me with the ability to love those who I am close to. It is truly a grace that my person is all about close, deep, inter-personal relationships. They pretty much sustain me and tend to be the least draining of interactions, if not life-giving. It’s where I recognize, in a subconscious way, that I am a part of Being itself and Being itself is a part of me.

So to kind of wrap up and connect (admittedly in a half-assed sort of way) these themes of the True Self and being an overwhelming person in a good way…I’d have to say that accepting and acknowledging that I am an overwhelming person is just a part of who I am and a part of my True Self, it is God working through me I guess. Perhaps? Not entirely sure. But that’s a thought. Either way I feel a final quote will sum up all this nicely,

“We are love, and we are made for love, and our natural abiding place is love.” –Richard Rohr

Also if you've made it this far in this post, thank you. I know this is long and normally I’d apologize for that, however, I’m a long winded talker, a circular thinker and I take forever to express myself, and that’s okay, it’s just me. So as always thanks for reading! Prayers for Jessica, Mike and myself are always appreciated! Also for those from home, I’ll be home from December 21^st to the 28^th and I couldn’t be more excited!