Thursday night was a movie night with our Jesuit Spiritual liaison Fr. Jimbo-slice. We went into Valentine to see the new movie Son of God. Now this isn't a review of the movie but rather the thoughts and struggles that came out of the movie. I will say this much though, I think the movie is worth at least one watch as it actually isn't half bad for a Hollywood rendition of the life of Jesus.
Now, onto the purpose of this post.
Basically, I have a problem/struggle with Jesus. Don't get me wrong, I think Jesus is a badass, sincerely, I do. Minus the fact he's God (or at least that's what I and other Christians believe) he was a friggen social revolutionary turning the Jewish tradition and social norms of His time on their heads and then got killed because of it (minus the whole salvation bit...which is more than a bit...but still). Jesus was a person who reached out to the poor and the outcast and gave us the ultimate idea of what being charitable and loving and heck even being human looks like. So you could say I like Jesus and not in a floofy way.
So what's the problem?
I don't really have much of a relationship with him even though people say I do or should. Now this isn't because I don't want to have a relationship with Jesus (I mean heck I think he's badass...why wouldn't I want a relationship with him?) but more of an issue of I just have trouble...having one. One important fact about me regarding this struggle is that I'm a very physical person...and this trait/characteristic has many manifestations and expressions. For one I don't do very well with abstract thought. I can do it...but my mind isn't wired for that. Consequently, I'm very much a hands on/visual learner. For those who don't know, I love cars and motorcycles. Love them, I think they are wicked bangin'. However, despite being told for years how engines worked, it never really clicked until I saw this visual (which is wicked cool) that allowed me to concretely see how the engine worked. Same thing while reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (fantastic book, highly recommend it), when the author is talking about quality and reality I was kinda getting it and then there was a little flowchart. Thank God for flowcharts. Or even when learning about myself and the way I think I don't always get it until there is visual like a diagram or something in front of me. Then it clicks.
However, perhaps even more applicable to my Jesus relationship problem (and really hammering this whole physical point home) is my love language. In a tie for my primary love language there is quality time and physical touch (the others being gift-giving, acts of service, and words of affirmation). My love languages, the way I best receive and understand someones affection, care and love for me are very much physically based. Physical touch (hugs for example) is pretty self-explanatory and quality time at its pinnacle is physical presence with immediate engagement. While my lesser love languages being much less physical (although still appreciated and valued). I think we can all see where this is going.
I've never met Jesus. I've never had a conversation with him like I would with my community members Mike or Jessica (physical human presence with immediate interaction). I've never had a high-five or a hug from him. We've never gone out on a motorcycle ride around the Quabbin Reservoir and stopped at the gas station in Orange, Ma to top of our tanks and take a break to talk about life, faith, justice, and well..him. The only physical presence Jesus has is in others (but this is vague in the sense that there is nothing unique to Jesus that isn't in the person I'm experiencing him through and thus doesn't really help other than seeing Jesus work in the world) and in the sacraments (but those aren't human interactions...they're more like gifts - see love languages).
This is a problem and a struggle.
This leaves me with a VERY abstract notion and experience of Jesus. And well like I've already talked about me and abstract stuff. Consequently, Jesus becomes for lack of a better term, a unicorn. My experience when I pray to Jesus is like praying to a name, an abstract concept. But Jesus is a real person, I mean the disciples had human interactions with him. Jesus probably had quirks, he was a knowable person in the sense that he was human and people built relationships with him like we build relationships with the people around us. But the notion of Jesus nowadays is like some stoic mystic who had some really good things to say and then died for the salvation of human kind (out of love, of course). How do you have a personal relationship with someone like that? I'm an emotional person and that comes through with relationships in a variety of ways. With Jesus there are almost no emotions..except for fear (we'll get to that in a moment...and in regards to love - that's a conscious choice and much less an emotion..remember lack of relationship?). It's a real problem. Yeah there is scripture and all the things Jesus says about loving us. That's great. Really, it's awesome, otherwise our knowledge about Jesus' actions and teachings would be significantly less. But in terms of building a relationship...scripture is kinda like words of affirmation...not as effective as the whole physical thing for me (worth noting at this point - it's not that I can't see love in these other love languages [nor are they this straight forward and simple when it comes to human relations] as much but rather by themselves they don't say as much whereas in combination [not necessarily at the exact same time but rather that they are expressed in a relationship] they are amplified by the physically based one - I guess basically the physical ones are like a foundation and then the rest sprout up from there).
The consequence is actually pretty drastic. Logically, if I don't have much of a relationship with Jesus because of how much of a physical person I am who struggles with abstract stuff (keeping in mind Jesus is supposed to be the accessible human person of God) then how am I supposed to trust him? That has been a struggle for a very long time, trusting God. During my whole priesthood vs marriage discernment process in college I felt it was me vs the abstract unicorn concept called God whose will is directly opposed to mine. Granted we've worked through that discernment process...but that was thanks to facts about the concept God (God wouldn't force someone into a vocation that would make them miserable) rather than building up trust in him. I find it hard to put trust in an abstract concept or name (although Jesus is actually more than that - but that is a purely intellectual/fact-based understanding and not an understanding in my heart or experience [remember Jesus and I haven't had a talk at that gas station yet...but if he ever want's to I'm totally down]). So now there is this issue where I still have a lot of trouble trusting in God. So much so I was told to stop praying to God and focus on Jesus. But...that hasn't worked terribly well seeing I'm blogging about this.
So full circle. Watching Son of God while alright did help me understand this part of my spiritual struggle and my problem with Jesus. Honestly, I wish this could be solved by just having a human relationship with Jesus, that'd be awesome. But that isn't the reality and so on the journey goes trying to grasp at some divine abstract unicorn. Jesus is great, he's a badass. I just don't really have a relationship with him and that's a problem. I think this might resonate with a lot of people and to me it makes me think that perhaps in general there isn't much thought about the human aspect of Jesus because the divine receives so much attention. I think that's a mistake because it's the human aspect of Jesus that made him so special and made God so accessible. If being human wasn't a good thing the Word wouldn't have become flesh, "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth; we have beheld his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father" (John 1: 14). So lets take a look at the human aspect of Jesus more, especially in Church. It'd only amplify the divine nature of Jesus and hey we might learn something about Jesus and ourselves that enhances and furthers our relationship with him. That would be nice.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Our Father, who art in heaven...what do You expect from us?
It's Wednesday and I don't know when this post will be done. But the fact that it is Wednesday has it's own set of implications...primarily the fact that it is on Wednesdays and only Wednesdays I teach sixth, seventh, and eighth graders (with Mike), and that opened up the doors for a discussion (if you could call it that) that was entirely spontaneous and took me by surprise.
Last week in class we talked about the "Our Father" and the Gospel story in Matthew that goes along with that. Our lesson plan was to unpack what we mean when we recite the Lord's Prayer which hopefully would first help the kids know what they were praying for and then, consequently, give the prayer more meaning (hopefully allowing them to mold it to the needs and experiences of their personal lives). However, as our experience of teaching on the Rez goes the class was...not quite what we (Mike and I) had hoped (although not bad).
Fast-forward a week, April 2nd, a very already an out of place day. Communion at the 20-Plex went longer than usual and there I had a unique encounter with one of the elders I frequently visit and give communion to (the topic of a later potential post). Then I receive a text from one of the people (who is wicked awesome) who works at the Mission that they needed to get in touch with me regarding a request made by the organizers of an Autism Awareness Presentation at the local college SGU (Sinte Gleska University). When I went over to the Admin building to talk with said mission worker, I heard from the receptionist at the front desk was that recently (I actually don't know when) there was a seventeen year old shot in Mission (a town 30 minutes from St. Francis were we live) who was involved in robbing a house. He had succumbed to his wounds. This had become the latest fatality of this kind in recent months. Absolutely tragic.
Fast forward to class.
Three kids show up to class since the rest are testing. One asks about the shooting and I confirm that I've heard the same thing. The review worksheet we have is handed out and we give them time to work on it. It comes to my attention that they aren't really engaged with it and rapidly class is becoming anything but...class. Leading class at this point I spontaneously decide to scrap the lesson plan (somewhat common depending on how the class is) and discuss the shooting...in the context of the Lord's Prayer. At that time the rest of the class enters and they sit down a little rowdy so we sit in quite and prepare for discussion.
I won't give a recap of the discussion per say but rather the major points we tried to convey to these (wicked smaht) kids. First, the Lord's Prayer is more than a prayer, for what good is it to pray for those in need and then...do nothing? The Lord's Prayer is a call to action and if we pray it then we better damn well do something because saying the prayer is the first half, the second half of the prayer, is going out and bringing about the Kingdom of God through actions in the world (Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done on earth as it is in heaven). It's like the prayer of St. Francis, where we pray to God asking for Him to make us "...a channel of [God's] peace." Yes God does good in the world but there is an expectation that we are a part of the process, as one of my favorite St. Augustine quotes goes, "Pray so though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you."
So while we're trying to get these middle-school kids to take on the responsibility of being role-models and the like, especially considering the tragic event that sparked this conversation...there's a recognition that the evils of the world are big...very big. Too big for one person, too big for one middle school student. The Lord's Prayer talks about that too (Give us this day our daily bread). Asking God to give us the grace to deal with the challenges and injustices of the world that are in front of us right here and right now. Granted if everyone did that the world would be such a better place...however, being a bit of a realist that world doesn't exist (heck we say Thy Kingdom come - meaning it isn't here yet...but we have to bring it about!). That should be a source of confidence as the prayer tells us to focus on today for as Jesus says, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day" (Matt. 6: 34).
Then one student makes a excellent comment; she observes that the people involved made poor decisions and then the consequences (tragically) followed. Yes, totally right. People make mistakes since we are all imperfect and screw-up every now and again. Totally valid. Lord's Prayer has got something to say about that too (Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who trespass against us). I personally never realized the weight of this line until this year and that line is probably one of the heftiest and tallest orders in the whole thing. Break it down grammatically. We are asking God to forgive our sins in the same manner and likeness that we forgive those who sin/hurt/etc against us. Well hold up, if I ask God to forgive me the way I forgive others...then crap I'm in trouble (hey I ain't perfect but I'm working on getting better). To me that line is more of a standard than a reality in that God is pretty merciful and forgiving (or at least that is what my Faith/faith informs me) and that we're called to be like that. Okay not terribly surprising. We're all called to be Christ-like.
So looking at this prayer which is recited by so many people around the world everyday...and looking at the evils and injustices that go on in the world...are we (the collective of people who recite the prayer) living up to the expectation that the Lord's Prayer lays out? I'm not saying that everyone is a selfish slacker or something...far from that. But I just wonder since Pope Francis' call to go out to those on the fringes of society cause such a commotion (in a good way)...is there an awareness of the work to be done...or a lack of perspective of what is important...or of the privileges (or lack there of) that people have? Can the Lord's Prayer be recited (a prayer whose foundation is in living a life of nondiscriminatory love for the bringing about of God's Kingdom) with the expectation that God will work in the world and make things better...while maybe there is more love to given, more work to be done that isn't being addressed, investigated, made aware of? Can we ask God to do something about the evils in the world and ask God to bring about peace and other lovely things while maybe we (again collectively) who pray can perhaps do more? I say this not to discredit those who do work hard for these things, nor criticize or judge those who perhaps don't (for I myself am far from perfect and definitely could do more...and yet here I am, somewhat hypocritically). But if that is what the Lord's Prayer talks about and so many people recite it...it does beg the question...at least in my mind. And then add in the fact that perhaps this is somewhat (or totally) idealized thinking and mix in a heavy dose of reality and this only becomes more complicated...
So talking about this kind of stuff with the kids in class was obviously heavy. But, while the lesson was going on I saw some of them more zoned in then I have ever seen them all year. So maybe they got something (at least I hope). All I know is, and we (Mike and I) made this clear, that we, all sitting down talking and thinking about this, were in this journey of questions and struggles together. Perhaps the life struggles were different but we, the teachers, didn't have the answers. So for maybe twenty minutes, the labels of teacher and student, educator and learner, were removed and everyone was just human. Trying to understand the role God calls us to play...and thus were God is working...in this crazy, hectic, and unjust...yet calm, peaceful, and loving world we live in together.
Last week in class we talked about the "Our Father" and the Gospel story in Matthew that goes along with that. Our lesson plan was to unpack what we mean when we recite the Lord's Prayer which hopefully would first help the kids know what they were praying for and then, consequently, give the prayer more meaning (hopefully allowing them to mold it to the needs and experiences of their personal lives). However, as our experience of teaching on the Rez goes the class was...not quite what we (Mike and I) had hoped (although not bad).
Fast-forward a week, April 2nd, a very already an out of place day. Communion at the 20-Plex went longer than usual and there I had a unique encounter with one of the elders I frequently visit and give communion to (the topic of a later potential post). Then I receive a text from one of the people (who is wicked awesome) who works at the Mission that they needed to get in touch with me regarding a request made by the organizers of an Autism Awareness Presentation at the local college SGU (Sinte Gleska University). When I went over to the Admin building to talk with said mission worker, I heard from the receptionist at the front desk was that recently (I actually don't know when) there was a seventeen year old shot in Mission (a town 30 minutes from St. Francis were we live) who was involved in robbing a house. He had succumbed to his wounds. This had become the latest fatality of this kind in recent months. Absolutely tragic.
Fast forward to class.
Three kids show up to class since the rest are testing. One asks about the shooting and I confirm that I've heard the same thing. The review worksheet we have is handed out and we give them time to work on it. It comes to my attention that they aren't really engaged with it and rapidly class is becoming anything but...class. Leading class at this point I spontaneously decide to scrap the lesson plan (somewhat common depending on how the class is) and discuss the shooting...in the context of the Lord's Prayer. At that time the rest of the class enters and they sit down a little rowdy so we sit in quite and prepare for discussion.
I won't give a recap of the discussion per say but rather the major points we tried to convey to these (wicked smaht) kids. First, the Lord's Prayer is more than a prayer, for what good is it to pray for those in need and then...do nothing? The Lord's Prayer is a call to action and if we pray it then we better damn well do something because saying the prayer is the first half, the second half of the prayer, is going out and bringing about the Kingdom of God through actions in the world (Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done on earth as it is in heaven). It's like the prayer of St. Francis, where we pray to God asking for Him to make us "...a channel of [God's] peace." Yes God does good in the world but there is an expectation that we are a part of the process, as one of my favorite St. Augustine quotes goes, "Pray so though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you."
So while we're trying to get these middle-school kids to take on the responsibility of being role-models and the like, especially considering the tragic event that sparked this conversation...there's a recognition that the evils of the world are big...very big. Too big for one person, too big for one middle school student. The Lord's Prayer talks about that too (Give us this day our daily bread). Asking God to give us the grace to deal with the challenges and injustices of the world that are in front of us right here and right now. Granted if everyone did that the world would be such a better place...however, being a bit of a realist that world doesn't exist (heck we say Thy Kingdom come - meaning it isn't here yet...but we have to bring it about!). That should be a source of confidence as the prayer tells us to focus on today for as Jesus says, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day" (Matt. 6: 34).
Then one student makes a excellent comment; she observes that the people involved made poor decisions and then the consequences (tragically) followed. Yes, totally right. People make mistakes since we are all imperfect and screw-up every now and again. Totally valid. Lord's Prayer has got something to say about that too (Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who trespass against us). I personally never realized the weight of this line until this year and that line is probably one of the heftiest and tallest orders in the whole thing. Break it down grammatically. We are asking God to forgive our sins in the same manner and likeness that we forgive those who sin/hurt/etc against us. Well hold up, if I ask God to forgive me the way I forgive others...then crap I'm in trouble (hey I ain't perfect but I'm working on getting better). To me that line is more of a standard than a reality in that God is pretty merciful and forgiving (or at least that is what my Faith/faith informs me) and that we're called to be like that. Okay not terribly surprising. We're all called to be Christ-like.
So looking at this prayer which is recited by so many people around the world everyday...and looking at the evils and injustices that go on in the world...are we (the collective of people who recite the prayer) living up to the expectation that the Lord's Prayer lays out? I'm not saying that everyone is a selfish slacker or something...far from that. But I just wonder since Pope Francis' call to go out to those on the fringes of society cause such a commotion (in a good way)...is there an awareness of the work to be done...or a lack of perspective of what is important...or of the privileges (or lack there of) that people have? Can the Lord's Prayer be recited (a prayer whose foundation is in living a life of nondiscriminatory love for the bringing about of God's Kingdom) with the expectation that God will work in the world and make things better...while maybe there is more love to given, more work to be done that isn't being addressed, investigated, made aware of? Can we ask God to do something about the evils in the world and ask God to bring about peace and other lovely things while maybe we (again collectively) who pray can perhaps do more? I say this not to discredit those who do work hard for these things, nor criticize or judge those who perhaps don't (for I myself am far from perfect and definitely could do more...and yet here I am, somewhat hypocritically). But if that is what the Lord's Prayer talks about and so many people recite it...it does beg the question...at least in my mind. And then add in the fact that perhaps this is somewhat (or totally) idealized thinking and mix in a heavy dose of reality and this only becomes more complicated...
So talking about this kind of stuff with the kids in class was obviously heavy. But, while the lesson was going on I saw some of them more zoned in then I have ever seen them all year. So maybe they got something (at least I hope). All I know is, and we (Mike and I) made this clear, that we, all sitting down talking and thinking about this, were in this journey of questions and struggles together. Perhaps the life struggles were different but we, the teachers, didn't have the answers. So for maybe twenty minutes, the labels of teacher and student, educator and learner, were removed and everyone was just human. Trying to understand the role God calls us to play...and thus were God is working...in this crazy, hectic, and unjust...yet calm, peaceful, and loving world we live in together.
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