Thursday night was a movie night with our Jesuit Spiritual liaison Fr. Jimbo-slice. We went into Valentine to see the new movie Son of God. Now this isn't a review of the movie but rather the thoughts and struggles that came out of the movie. I will say this much though, I think the movie is worth at least one watch as it actually isn't half bad for a Hollywood rendition of the life of Jesus.
Now, onto the purpose of this post.
Basically, I have a problem/struggle with Jesus. Don't get me wrong, I think Jesus is a badass, sincerely, I do. Minus the fact he's God (or at least that's what I and other Christians believe) he was a friggen social revolutionary turning the Jewish tradition and social norms of His time on their heads and then got killed because of it (minus the whole salvation bit...which is more than a bit...but still). Jesus was a person who reached out to the poor and the outcast and gave us the ultimate idea of what being charitable and loving and heck even being human looks like. So you could say I like Jesus and not in a floofy way.
So what's the problem?
I don't really have much of a relationship with him even though people say I do or should. Now this isn't because I don't want to have a relationship with Jesus (I mean heck I think he's badass...why wouldn't I want a relationship with him?) but more of an issue of I just have trouble...having one. One important fact about me regarding this struggle is that I'm a very physical person...and this trait/characteristic has many manifestations and expressions. For one I don't do very well with abstract thought. I can do it...but my mind isn't wired for that. Consequently, I'm very much a hands on/visual learner. For those who don't know, I love cars and motorcycles. Love them, I think they are wicked bangin'. However, despite being told for years how engines worked, it never really clicked until I saw this visual (which is wicked cool) that allowed me to concretely see how the engine worked. Same thing while reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (fantastic book, highly recommend it), when the author is talking about quality and reality I was kinda getting it and then there was a little flowchart. Thank God for flowcharts. Or even when learning about myself and the way I think I don't always get it until there is visual like a diagram or something in front of me. Then it clicks.
However, perhaps even more applicable to my Jesus relationship problem (and really hammering this whole physical point home) is my love language. In a tie for my primary love language there is quality time and physical touch (the others being gift-giving, acts of service, and words of affirmation). My love languages, the way I best receive and understand someones affection, care and love for me are very much physically based. Physical touch (hugs for example) is pretty self-explanatory and quality time at its pinnacle is physical presence with immediate engagement. While my lesser love languages being much less physical (although still appreciated and valued). I think we can all see where this is going.
I've never met Jesus. I've never had a conversation with him like I would with my community members Mike or Jessica (physical human presence with immediate interaction). I've never had a high-five or a hug from him. We've never gone out on a motorcycle ride around the Quabbin Reservoir and stopped at the gas station in Orange, Ma to top of our tanks and take a break to talk about life, faith, justice, and well..him. The only physical presence Jesus has is in others (but this is vague in the sense that there is nothing unique to Jesus that isn't in the person I'm experiencing him through and thus doesn't really help other than seeing Jesus work in the world) and in the sacraments (but those aren't human interactions...they're more like gifts - see love languages).
This is a problem and a struggle.
This leaves me with a VERY abstract notion and experience of Jesus. And well like I've already talked about me and abstract stuff. Consequently, Jesus becomes for lack of a better term, a unicorn. My experience when I pray to Jesus is like praying to a name, an abstract concept. But Jesus is a real person, I mean the disciples had human interactions with him. Jesus probably had quirks, he was a knowable person in the sense that he was human and people built relationships with him like we build relationships with the people around us. But the notion of Jesus nowadays is like some stoic mystic who had some really good things to say and then died for the salvation of human kind (out of love, of course). How do you have a personal relationship with someone like that? I'm an emotional person and that comes through with relationships in a variety of ways. With Jesus there are almost no emotions..except for fear (we'll get to that in a moment...and in regards to love - that's a conscious choice and much less an emotion..remember lack of relationship?). It's a real problem. Yeah there is scripture and all the things Jesus says about loving us. That's great. Really, it's awesome, otherwise our knowledge about Jesus' actions and teachings would be significantly less. But in terms of building a relationship...scripture is kinda like words of affirmation...not as effective as the whole physical thing for me (worth noting at this point - it's not that I can't see love in these other love languages [nor are they this straight forward and simple when it comes to human relations] as much but rather by themselves they don't say as much whereas in combination [not necessarily at the exact same time but rather that they are expressed in a relationship] they are amplified by the physically based one - I guess basically the physical ones are like a foundation and then the rest sprout up from there).
The consequence is actually pretty drastic. Logically, if I don't have much of a relationship with Jesus because of how much of a physical person I am who struggles with abstract stuff (keeping in mind Jesus is supposed to be the accessible human person of God) then how am I supposed to trust him? That has been a struggle for a very long time, trusting God. During my whole priesthood vs marriage discernment process in college I felt it was me vs the abstract unicorn concept called God whose will is directly opposed to mine. Granted we've worked through that discernment process...but that was thanks to facts about the concept God (God wouldn't force someone into a vocation that would make them miserable) rather than building up trust in him. I find it hard to put trust in an abstract concept or name (although Jesus is actually more than that - but that is a purely intellectual/fact-based understanding and not an understanding in my heart or experience [remember Jesus and I haven't had a talk at that gas station yet...but if he ever want's to I'm totally down]). So now there is this issue where I still have a lot of trouble trusting in God. So much so I was told to stop praying to God and focus on Jesus. But...that hasn't worked terribly well seeing I'm blogging about this.
So full circle. Watching Son of God while alright did help me understand this part of my spiritual struggle and my problem with Jesus. Honestly, I wish this could be solved by just having a human relationship with Jesus, that'd be awesome. But that isn't the reality and so on the journey goes trying to grasp at some divine abstract unicorn. Jesus is great, he's a badass. I just don't really have a relationship with him and that's a problem. I think this might resonate with a lot of people and to me it makes me think that perhaps in general there isn't much thought about the human aspect of Jesus because the divine receives so much attention. I think that's a mistake because it's the human aspect of Jesus that made him so special and made God so accessible. If being human wasn't a good thing the Word wouldn't have become flesh, "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth; we have beheld his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father" (John 1: 14). So lets take a look at the human aspect of Jesus more, especially in Church. It'd only amplify the divine nature of Jesus and hey we might learn something about Jesus and ourselves that enhances and furthers our relationship with him. That would be nice.
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