So I'm sitting here at 10:40 PM in my kitchen in Leominster, Massachuestts eating a bowl of store-brand Cheereos with blueberries and milk, listening to the Pacific Rim soundtrack since I'm sort of obsessed with it at the moment. However, is there something I'm more obsessed with than Pacific Rim? Well, as unbelievable as it may seem, yes (look, it's a fantastic movie, probably the best one I've seen all summer). JVC is a mere ten, count them 10, days away. By the time I'm done with this post it could very well be only 9 days. The point is, for the past couple weeks I have been constantly, and I mean that almost literally, thinking about JVC. Granted in some ways it has been stressful in terms of gathering my things, shipping them off, making sure I don't forget anything, finalize insurance stuff...none of which I've fully completed yet.
However, the point I'm trying to illustrate here, is that I am really excited for JVC and as awesome as that is, I'm beginning to think it might not be for my own good. Now, you can ask, "What do you mean?" since JVC is probably (I'm willing to bet on it) going to be a wicked defining year for me. How can I be too excited about such an incredible experience? Well the very reason it is so exciting is the very reason why I'm afraid of being too excited. Let me explain.
Embarking upon this journey with the Jesuit Volunteer Corps is going to be life-changing. How? I can't tell you because I don't know that yet and the Big Man hasn't let that cat out of the bag. However, the reason there is any chance that JVC is going to have such an impact is because I've been trying to cultivate a very open attitude. I'm not thinking about after JVC; people ask me about that a lot and all I respond with is, "I don't know and that doesn't matter right now." In fact, trying to figure out what happens after JVC before JVC has even started isn't very open. Immediately, that becomes planning, and planning in this case is shutting the doors of various opportunities before they've even been presented. If you know me pretty well, at about this point you're probably asking, "Who's posting this right now? Surely this isn't Mike." Well, I don't know who Surely is but this is Mike. I've always been trying to plan my life out. It's always been, I'll do this, then this, then this, then that, and so on. Heck the reason I even considered JVC was for grad school. It was all a part of the bigger scheme I thought of and told the world. The funny part about that scheme is that it never remained the same. It always was changing which I think says something about trying to plan out your life.
So this has been a difficult process of opening up and saying, "I don't know what the heck is going to happen, but screw it. I'll do it and give it all up to You." As vulgar as that sounds talking to God, God's a friend and sometimes you just gotta open those floodgates for your friends to hear. Now, I'd say there are two reasons I've been able to make this transition from having to try and plan everything to the freeing notion of giving it up and just living in the present moment. First, was the JVC interview process. Talking with the various JVC staff really forced me to open up as they were always encouraging us to be open as a part of the discernment process (or any discernment process for that matter). That was a struggle while looking at placements. I wanted to be in Boston, MA close to Boston College where I wanted to go to graduate school. Also close to home in the event my family needed help with Kevin, my Autistic brother who was very high on the spectrum. Immediately I saw no ministerial positions in New England. The only one was at Cristo Rey Philadelphia with the Camden, NJ community. So I opened up a bit and decided anywhere along the East Coast is fine. So, I thought I wanted that position but I didn't want to live in Camden. I had also selected the St. Francis Outreach Mission but didn't give it much thought because it wasn't on the East Coast. I saw South Dakota and had a no thanks attitude...until I looked at their website. First with my campus minister and then on my own. I saw that website and I just got amped, like wicked pumped. It was totally the Holy Spirit a-movin' no doubt. But I had to get over the whole East Coast thing, so I opened up some more and finally decided I didn't care where geographically I ended up. After a nerve racking wait for my interview list, St. Francis was there and then the two weeks of interviews, phone call meetings and patiently waiting. It came down to St. Francis and Star of Hope in Houston, TX. It was clear to me which I felt was the better fit for me but I kept telling myself and the JVC staff member that was working with me that I was open to wherever I was needed most. Waiting for the call was killer and I missed it because of a senior awards brunch I was attending. The voicemail said good news, which meant St. Francis. I was open and I was placed where I honestly believed where I needed to be.
The second thing that helped me through that process was a very good friend of mine, Jon. Jon is a seminarian with the Edmundites and in a lot of ways is someone I look up to spiritually. Jon and I occasionally talked about stuff we've struggled with (which seem to be very similar in most respects) or have noticed about Catholicism, society, Saint Mike's, etc. He always talked about the freedom of not planning everything, about being open and I saw how that worked out for him. Let's just say it's worked out really really well because when you put God at the helm how can it end bad? But he helped me understand that being open and giving the wheel to God can result in amazing, life changing things. Thankfully, Jon's always reminding me of that! Point and case, Jon with the help of JVC, helped me let go of having to plan everything.
So what's all of this have to do with being too excited for my own good? Well, let me put it this way: I'm so excited about JVC that I'm always thinking about it. Well what does thinking about it mean? In my case I just imagine what will it be like? What will SoDak look like? How will I feel? and so on and so forth. That's what's so dangerous. From those thoughts comes expectations. One begins to expect to feel a certain way, or think things will go one way or another. With that expectation it becomes much harder to be open because in an almost unknowingly and subconscious way...that's planning. So I might be too excited for my own good as I unknowingly barrier myself from opportunities that haven't arrived yet. I'll admit it is tough just because 10 days feels like a very long time at this point. So it's a tough balance between patience and excitement. Something I clearly need more practice with. So these next 10 days will give me a lesson in patience that I'd rather not have. Oh well, gotta be open!
On a wildly different note, I made a Twitter today (I honestly don't care for Twitter at all) with the sole purpose of following the Pope (Pontifex). Catholic Nerd and proud of it!
As always thanks for reading! Prayers for Jessica, Michael, and myself are always welcomed and appreciated as we begin our JVC journey in 10 days! God Bless!
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