The Challenge Of Finding My Own Way

In relation to my last post, there have been a number of things I have been grappling with since arriving on the Res. While the list of these struggles is lengthy, which upon reflection is not very surprising, the one that seems to occupy my mind most is the struggle of community. Community is a core principle of the JVC and is very unique in the St. Francis placement. Most JV houses have anywhere between 4-8 JVs who work at different jobs and are involved with different communities in their cities but then come together later on. On the Res it is a little different. There is only 3 of us which is below the minimum required number of JVs per house. Also we all work for the same mission and thus in many circumstances work together. This ties community and work community together in a very unique way and has been challenging for me as our roles begin to further mold. What I am struggling with is two-sided: first is a sense of inadequacy regarding what I'm capable of doing, and on the flip-side the impact of what my skill set will have on community.

For those who know me are very well aware that I struggle with a perfectionist mentality. I am highly critical of myself which has had its benefits and drawbacks. However, when it comes to what I am going to be doing at St. Francis Mission I genuinely feel like the least-qualified to be here out of my community. I seem to be bringing the least amount of skills to the table to offer the mission. Currently, I see myself doing a limited number of tasks. First is teaching catechism which honestly horrifies me. I don't feel like the most capable of individuals to take on this responsibility. I just have a sense of unpreparedness since I don't know what to expect to see in the classroom. That and I tend to feel my degree of Religious Studies is seen as lesser to the degrees of Theology that my fellow JVs have (even though they are more or less the same...minus the fact one of them has their M.A.). So of course I am afraid of failure. I also plan on working at the radio station which has been pretty fun thus far. However, I still have not fully developed an understanding of how that will fully play out. Currently I've been working a little bit on the Saint of the Week radio broadcast but nothing much more. I don't have any real ideas for shows lined up other than that I'm interested in Sunday shows such as God Talk. Finally, I'm hoping to participate more in the masses we attend via lectoring and being a Eucharistic Minister. However, training for this hasn't started yet so I'm having to wait. So that really isn't much that I feel I can effectively and efficiently do here on the Res if at all in the first place.

In addition to that I hold concerns on how this impacts my role and relationship with my community. Granted this is fear is slightly more irrational but something to be aware of considering all that is going on. On the one hand all three jobs I feel I can do here at the mission have the potential to be isolating. I've considered teaching RCIC and RCIA but it is unclear how many people would be involved with that. Working at the radio station is relatively isolating whether it's working on recordings or DJing a live show. Finally my participation in mass is isolating since both Mike and Jessica are involved with the music ministry.

These struggles may seem somewhat constructed in a sense but considering that I'm in a new place with people I hardly know, struggling with many things that I mentioned in the last post...being able to have at least something familiar would be nice. But the thing I realized was that this concern was so controlling I was trying to do things that I'm not good at just to feel like I fit in with my community. This is something that I cannot do. I need to find my own way and my own place on the Res. Unfortunately, that seems to suggest that I will be spending perhaps more time on my own that I'm perhaps comfortable with. Considering I still worry about fitting in with my community since admittedly I have a huge fear of rejection. The flip-side is that it might be nice to have some time away for myself in my work. But I do not know how this will play out and of course my natural reaction is to worry myself into a conniption about it (which is yet another thing I need to work on). In the end some more structure and predicable days will hopefully relieve some of these anxieties. I guess it will just be a manner of waiting and seeing what happens...and being wicked intentional.

As always prayers for Jessica, Mike and myself are always welcomed and very appreciated! Thanks for reading and God bless!

Cultural Experience to Res Fever: Can't Run Anymore

So we've been here just over a week and it's felt like we've been here for almost a month already. Moving onto the Rosebud Reservation (also known as "The Res") feels nothing short of moving to a foreign country. On one hand there is the immense poverty, struggles with alcoholism, addiction and abuse of marijuana, meth, heroin, painkillers, and other pills. However, that's only half of the equation; the native culture on the Res completes the foreign country feel. For example, handshaking is not an original part of native culture and thus are treated differently. In American society a firm handshake show confidence, initiative, and other good ol' American values. On the Res, that is seen as aggressive and a soft handshake is the norm for the handshake is an offering of peace between individuals and thus should be taken, peacefully. There is also eye-contact; during our JVC orientation we did an exercise that emphasized making eye-contact when speaking and ministering to people. However, on the Res, making eye-contact during conversation is considered disrespectful, especially when done to an elder. Thus one generally looks down and nods and occasionally glances towards the speaker to acknowledge that one is listening. So trying to navigate just those seemingly small cultural changes has been incredibly difficult. To top it off, this is only the tip of the iceberg, just being on the Res without interaction feels like being in a different country. Clearly we the JVs are foreigners and aliens here.

However, Jessica, Mike, and I were honored very early on in our stay as we were invited to traditional naming ceremony where a young man about our age received his Indian name. The ceremony was outside and took place on walkway circle painted with a medicine wheel on the ground. There was native drumming, the passing of burning sage which acted as a purification ritual followed by a spiritual leader who lead the ceremony mostly in the traditional Lakota language. We prayed in the 6 directions while one of the men running the ceremony was holding an eagle feather which was given to the young man receiving his name at the end. It was to be used during times of serious prayer only. After this we moved indoors for what could be called nothing short of a feast with much food which was all provided by the family of the young man. Guests brought nothing. Then there was what is known as a give-away where the family of the young man gives away things to honor people that had an impact on the young man's life. We three JVs were surprised to be honored with a small gift. We had done nothing yet and were clearly riding on the coat-tails of the previous JVs. Nonetheless it was a fantastic honor, even though the gifts were not extravagant, that is besides the point. Then after that the give away continues with smaller gifts given to everyone including those already honored. So we went with nothing and walked away with quite a bit of stuff. It felt very backwards to the American social norms we were used to.

It actually got to the point last Sunday that we all just caught a small case of Res fever. We drove almost an hour into Valentine to fine the city shut down and so we got ice cream. We spend over a couple of hours out of state just to get some ice cream. Honestly that kind of absurd. So we ended up momentarily kinda letting loose by having a dance party in our kitchen...which got kinda crazy...and it's not even winter yet.

Combining this massive culture shock, which includes geographical culture shock with people I've just met (however, they are both fantastic, wonderful, caring, and intentional people who will do great work on the Res) and the fact that the closest real town is almost an hour away meaning there is nothing to do has been tough...just like that sentence. I've found myself seriously struggling ever since arriving at orientation with some serious feelings of desolation (how 'bout that Ignatian spirituality right there, eh?). Of course to my surprise these feelings amplified on the Res and I couldn't figure my thoughts and emotions out. However, with the wise wisdom of my friend Jon, some reflection, discussion with some of the Jesuits here on the Res, and some prayer my picture of emotions and what not has become much clearer to me. In a lot of ways, I'm becoming clearer to myself which I expect will be in flux throughout the year. However, back to the point, I came to an astonishing conclusion: I've been so busy the past 4 years of my life in college that I was never fully in touch with myself, my thoughts, or my feelings. I just filled my life with things to do and as a result I ran from the questions without even realizing it.

Furthermore, my relationship with God became founded in doing rather than being. Doing things (whether for the Church, campus ministry, etc) defined my relationship with God rather than my very being. This became extremely clear as I'm not doing as much since there isn't as much to do (...yet, which I'll have to be careful of). This was horrifyingly eye opening and in a lot of ways forced me to rethink where I was spiritually and my relationship with God. On the one hand this was relieving as it put a lot of questions and fears I had been worrying about into perspective. However, on the other hand it forced me to ask some really tough questions like: "How distant am I from God?" (not how distant God is from me) and even more difficult, "Do I truly love God?" Now that doesn't mean that I hate God; it's not a matter of opposites or extremes. Rather, love, being the act of putting benefit, goodwill, etc of another in front of one's own desires, goodwill, benefit, etc. A kind of fulfilling and willing self-sacrifice where one is not totally focused on one's self but on another or others. In my mind (and no, not in my perfectionist ways) I have clearly failed to love God as I've been wrapped up in my own desires of the many fears and questions that I had been running away from. Perhaps I did good works and things during that time of business, but this does not excuse my failure to truly love. Granted I dare not think that I'll one day fully and perfectly do that, being imperfect and all. But this is a striking realization which will take much time to digest, process, be molded by, and hopefully (God willing) grow from. So combining the shock of living on the Res with no one I've known for more than a few weeks while trying to work through this major spiritual challenge has been to say the very least, overwhelming.

However, navigating this challenge and finding some sort of solitude in order to be present to my community, Jessica and Mike, and the greater community could not have been possible without scripture. So I'd like to share some scripture that provided some significant light in navigating this dark winding road:

First there was Matthew 6:8:

"So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."

Which is on one hand comforting in the fact that God will provide but also in a way its a relinquish of control, something rather difficult for me. Then there was Isaiah 49: 16 (which I received in a letter in which it wasn't an exact quote but loosely based in Isaiah, and nevertheless very helpful):

"Behold, I have inscribed you on the palm of My hands; your walls are continual before Me."

This then lead me to Isaiah 42: 16:

"And I will lead the blind

   in a way that they know not,

in paths that they have not known

   I will guide them

I will turn the darkness before them into light

   the rough places into level ground.

These are things I will do

   and I will not forsake them."

 Both Isaiah passages have a similar message of not only God being present but also that we can trust in God as well. In terms of making sense of the struggles, a segment from Tuesday Night Prayer and then some helps explain in some understanding, 1 Peter 5: 6-10:

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you, casting all your anxiety on him, for he cares about you. Be sober, be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking some one to devour. Resist him firm in your faith, knowing that the same experience of suffering is required of your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, establish, and strengthen you. 

A combination of comfort yet also understanding of how God takes advantage of our suffering to form us as better people. My good friend Jon used the example of a goldsmith purifying gold. First, the gold is heated until it is almost boiling, and this brings up all of the impurities and crud in the gold which is then scrapped away. This process is repeated over and over until the gold is pure. At which point it is cooled and polished until the face of the goldsmith is reflected in it. So that is some of the scripture that helped me reflect and felt it was worth sharing although it isn't in order of encounter, however that isn't that important.

On a lighter note, today was our first day of DJ radio training which was exciting for everyone! So as always prayers for Jessica, Mike, and myself are always welcomed and appreciated! Thanks for reading (sorry for the length!) and God Bless!

A Quick Update

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while, the past few weeks have been rather busy! In short, Jessica, Mike, and myself have safely arrived in St. Francis, South Dakota. We've been doing pretty well and we are going through a local orientation. We've been reorganizing the house to our liking and getting our bearings on this tiny little town. Interesting note, there is quite literally, nothing here. We can drive for literally hours without seeing anything minus rolling hills. It's insane, like wicked insane. I honestly don't think I can even describe it. I took some pictures that I'll eventually upload but these next couple weeks will be busy so I don't think I'll be able to do anything too soon. However, I just wanted to give everyone a quick update and let everyone know we are alive! So as always please pray for Jessica, Mike, and myself during this transition period. We really appreciate it! God bless and keep checking back, I'll have a full post as soon as I can!

The Great YES and the Great NO: The Paradox of Catholic Spirituality and Morality

It's finally August and with August comes some change! Some of the change isn't very dramatic, for example this upcoming Sunday, August 4th those who pray the Liturgy of the Hours switch from Volume III to Volume IV as the Church enters the 18th week of Ordinary (or what some would joking call "Bordinary") Time. However, on the flip side of that same coin, Sunday August 4th brings huge, massive, unbelievable change. Not only for myself but for the many people who officially begin their one year of service with the Jesuit Volunteer Corps (in particular about 70 of us in the Detroit Office). That's a mere three days away! Something that has admittedly been very hard to grasp and in some cases come to terms with every time I say goodbye to someone.

On a mere whim, I decided to listen to another sermon by Fr. Robert Barron. In particular, sermon #656 for...yep you guessed it, the 18th Sunday of Ordinary Time. The sermon that Father Barron gives is oddly appropriate when considering the content coincides well with Sunday being the first day of living the JVC lifestyle and values. Like last time I won't do a play by play of his sermon, but it's a good one and it focuses on what Fr. Barron refers to as the Great Yes and the Great No.

Some context would be helpful. His sermon addresses the age old debate within Catholicism of the world and the status of its goodness and the balance one must find in enjoying said goodness. In brief the world is good as it is created by God; however, the world itself is not God. Thus you have the basis of the Great Yes and the Great No which forms the paradox of Catholic spirituality and morality. A healthy Catholic spirituality and healthy Catholic morality say Yes! to the good in the world which participates in the goodness of God as Fr. Barron clearly states. However, this Yes! needs to be balanced with a No! for the world despite all its goodness is not God who is the ultimate good. Thus too much Yes! can lead to idolatry of the world and its replacing God as the source of ultimate fulfillment, satisfaction, and happiness (which the world is inherently incapable of doing). Thus No! prevents this slip. However, too much No! isn't good either as it pushes away the goodness of God's creation which is meant to be enjoyed (in a healthy manner of course). So a healthy practice of Catholic spirituality and morality is found in the tension of the paradox formed these two principles. For more explanation on that I encourage listening to the sermon which has been hyperlinked above.

So what's the big deal? Well I can't help but think about JVC attempting to create and establish this healthy Catholic spiritual and moral atmosphere through its core values which in turn direct volunteers into a certain lifestyle which are best described by the values themselves: Community, Spirituality, Simplicity, and Social Justice. All of these, if done properly, are located in the paradox of the Great Yes and the Great No. In particular simplicity I think is one that demonstrates this with the greatest ease. A simple lifestyle says Yes! to the world and a certain level property, possessions, convenience, comfort, etc. However, at the same time it says No! in such a manner that these good things of the world do not replace God. More specifically, it prevents overabundance of material good. Essentially, the core value of simplicity attempts to live out the message of the Gospel reading for the 18th Sunday of Ordinary time which is *SPOILER* Luke 12: 13-21 (Parable of the Rich Man). That material goods are good but they cannot replace God in any way hence as volunteers we say No! to the overabundance and obsessive focus on material things. Additionally it ties into the other core values as well (since they are all sort of interwoven, kind of like St. Augustine's theology is all interwoven; in order to understand one [time] you need to understand some of the others [original sin, nature of the soul, etc]). In particular simplicity allows the focus to remain on community in the sense of the JV community and the greater community the JV's are immersed in. It also encourages the development and cultivation of that healthy Catholic spirituality which complements morality; I think helps point the individual to understanding what is truly "just" (not without the occasional struggle of course) allowing them to serve the community in their placement to the best of their ability. Of course this is just my understanding in relation to Fr. Barron's sermon.

So I think this upcoming Sunday is a very important one when all things are considered. A day of important change for a lot of people. Considering all of this, prayers for Jessica, Michael and I are especially appreciated this weekend and in particular on Sunday as we begin our journey together with the Jesuit Volunteer Corps at orientation in Indiana before heading out to SoDak! As always thanks for reading and God bless!