The Challenge Of Finding My Own Way

In relation to my last post, there have been a number of things I have been grappling with since arriving on the Res. While the list of these struggles is lengthy, which upon reflection is not very surprising, the one that seems to occupy my mind most is the struggle of community. Community is a core principle of the JVC and is very unique in the St. Francis placement. Most JV houses have anywhere between 4-8 JVs who work at different jobs and are involved with different communities in their cities but then come together later on. On the Res it is a little different. There is only 3 of us which is below the minimum required number of JVs per house. Also we all work for the same mission and thus in many circumstances work together. This ties community and work community together in a very unique way and has been challenging for me as our roles begin to further mold. What I am struggling with is two-sided: first is a sense of inadequacy regarding what I'm capable of doing, and on the flip-side the impact of what my skill set will have on community.

For those who know me are very well aware that I struggle with a perfectionist mentality. I am highly critical of myself which has had its benefits and drawbacks. However, when it comes to what I am going to be doing at St. Francis Mission I genuinely feel like the least-qualified to be here out of my community. I seem to be bringing the least amount of skills to the table to offer the mission. Currently, I see myself doing a limited number of tasks. First is teaching catechism which honestly horrifies me. I don't feel like the most capable of individuals to take on this responsibility. I just have a sense of unpreparedness since I don't know what to expect to see in the classroom. That and I tend to feel my degree of Religious Studies is seen as lesser to the degrees of Theology that my fellow JVs have (even though they are more or less the same...minus the fact one of them has their M.A.). So of course I am afraid of failure. I also plan on working at the radio station which has been pretty fun thus far. However, I still have not fully developed an understanding of how that will fully play out. Currently I've been working a little bit on the Saint of the Week radio broadcast but nothing much more. I don't have any real ideas for shows lined up other than that I'm interested in Sunday shows such as God Talk. Finally, I'm hoping to participate more in the masses we attend via lectoring and being a Eucharistic Minister. However, training for this hasn't started yet so I'm having to wait. So that really isn't much that I feel I can effectively and efficiently do here on the Res if at all in the first place.

In addition to that I hold concerns on how this impacts my role and relationship with my community. Granted this is fear is slightly more irrational but something to be aware of considering all that is going on. On the one hand all three jobs I feel I can do here at the mission have the potential to be isolating. I've considered teaching RCIC and RCIA but it is unclear how many people would be involved with that. Working at the radio station is relatively isolating whether it's working on recordings or DJing a live show. Finally my participation in mass is isolating since both Mike and Jessica are involved with the music ministry.

These struggles may seem somewhat constructed in a sense but considering that I'm in a new place with people I hardly know, struggling with many things that I mentioned in the last post...being able to have at least something familiar would be nice. But the thing I realized was that this concern was so controlling I was trying to do things that I'm not good at just to feel like I fit in with my community. This is something that I cannot do. I need to find my own way and my own place on the Res. Unfortunately, that seems to suggest that I will be spending perhaps more time on my own that I'm perhaps comfortable with. Considering I still worry about fitting in with my community since admittedly I have a huge fear of rejection. The flip-side is that it might be nice to have some time away for myself in my work. But I do not know how this will play out and of course my natural reaction is to worry myself into a conniption about it (which is yet another thing I need to work on). In the end some more structure and predicable days will hopefully relieve some of these anxieties. I guess it will just be a manner of waiting and seeing what happens...and being wicked intentional.

As always prayers for Jessica, Mike and myself are always welcomed and very appreciated! Thanks for reading and God bless!