A Reflection on Family

Last week I returned home for the first time in four months for Christmas. After this extended absence in which there was quite a bit of self discovery I was a little nervous of returning home. I wasn't sure how my past relationships were going to hold up, or how I would be received after finally being grounded in myself. To my pleasant surprise, it was the most rejuvenating experience I've had with my family in a very long time. In short it seemed all of my family relations were enhanced. Even spending time with friends and their families gave me this new sense of...something. Something positive. Although I"m not sure I can quite find a word for it. Now that's not to say all was perfect for it never is. However, upon returning to SoDak and having to go to Mass on Sunday, the homily was focused all about family which helped me sort out my thoughts.

Family is a beautiful thing in itself. It is living with our family that we are taught how to live with others. We are taught how to look at someone has a whole person with their strengths and weaknesses, their high moments and their lows, their love and their failures to love and accept them as they are. We are called to the great task of loving them not just for their positive traits, but to love our family members because of their positive and negative traits in the same way that God fully loves us. It's just as St. Paul calls the Colossians to do,

"...Put on, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful... And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him" (Colossians 3: 12-15, 17).

Thus the foundation for family is fidelity. When this fidelity and love is coupled with gratitude towards one another and towards God I've experience so much joy, even though there can be episodes of frustration (Some of you are probably thinking what about relationships outside of family? Well...hang on, we're getting there...). "Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8). 

Honestly, I'll say that none of this is exactly new and it also, unfortunately, isn't everyone's experience. As for the later, thankfully that's why the family is only the beginning and we are called to be Christ-like and bring these kind of relationships outside of our families. I mean how else to new families start? But it's more than just starting one's own family (if one is called to that) since one doesn't go out to start a family as much as one goes out to find someone to love. That is what we are all called to do whether that vocation is family life or not. That's because the core of our very being is grounded in God who is nothing but love. That and we are all members of God's family and although it's tough, we gotta act like it. Whether that's going out and volunteering one's time for the disenfranchised, the outcast, the lonely...those who want to fulfill the ground of their being of just loving and being loved in return. That's what family trains us for, is being Christ-like people in a world in need of, "heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another...as the Lord has forgiven you...And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful."

Thus I think it is important to reflect on the gifts that God has given every single one of us through our families. Whether that is our biological family, our family that we've committed to having with our spouse, our family of brothers and sisters in religious life, our family of volunteers whether the be Jesuit Volunteers, Peace Corps, AmeriCorps, or TFAs, our family of faith whom we worship and serve with, and of course our family of God that is so expansive that we could possibly never know all of its diverse members who include the homeless, the forgotten, the oppressed...but also the privileged, the wealth corporate CEO, the well off middle-class guy down the street, and even the person who hates and insults our being...all of whom are our neighbors. And we are called to love all of them equally. As the wise Franciscan Richard Rohr said, "We are love, and we are made for love, and our natural abiding place is love." God's a tough dad, but he's pretty clear that in his family we are judged for our fidelity not how close we get to perfection. 

Acceptance of the Overwhelming True-Self

It’s been a while since I've done of these posts. Probably because all of the stuff I could have blogged about I've journaled about instead, primarily because well that stuff is really just too personal for the interwebs…that and I’m pretty sure no one really wants to hear about those things, they’re honestly pretty much whining.

However, there was something…or somethings which are somehow in a complex yet not complex way related. In short I’m just gunna spew some stuff out and it may or may not be coherent.

So our spiritual envoy, a Jesuit Priest (Fathah J), gave us a set of reflections that he compiled for a spiritual dinner conversation. Basically we had to read and reflect on them before the dinner. That’s a minor detail; the more important detail is they’re by Richard Rohr, a Franciscan. Now, I know that people have mixed feelings about Rohr and that’s fine, but I ask that no conclusions are made yet. Aight, setting the stage. The first part of these reflections (which are both theologically deep and personally applicable) focuses on what Rohr calls, “The Immortal Diamond of the True Self.” Sounds pretty mystical to me, totes dig it. In a nutshell, Rohr talks about discovering one’s “True Self” which is, “…our souls, our inner destiny, our true identity. Your True Self is that part of you that knows who you are and whose you are, although largely unconsciously.” Rohr makes the valid point that we are very much afraid of our True Self as we cling to a false self that is primarily comprised of our thoughts of who we think we are. However, just as Rohr says, “…but thinking doesn't make it so.”

So we have to mine for that Immortal Diamond of our True Self. It’s kinda like the resurrection where we ask who will roll this rock away? This rock being our egos, specific life experience, culture, etc. It’s a rock that prevents us from seeing our True Self who we are called to become…who we are called to change ourselves into. This True Self is beyond temporal categories such as country, race, sex, etc. But is founded, grounded if you will, in the divine. Rohr sums this up nicely saying, “I believe that Christ is the archetypal True Self offered to history, where matter and spirit finally operate as one, where divine and human are held in one container.” Aquinas and Jon Duns Scotus both argue that God is not merely a Being but Being itself. This has a pretty significant implication for our True Selves. If God is Being itself, that means we by the mere fact exist, are a part of that Being and that Being is a part of us. That, consequently, means that our True Selves isn’t just a discovery of who we are a part from who we are told to be but also the recognition of the presence of God within us. “The True Self is both at the same time, and both are a total gift.” Thus we shouldn’t let anything compromise it, “What will it profit you if you gain the whole world and lose your own soul?” (Matt. 16:26). What is really cool about the True Self is something early Christian writers understood from the beginning, “…this discovery of our True Self is also at the same time a discovery of God…The two encounters with a True God and a True Self are largely experienced simultaneously and grow in parallel fashion.”

Bangin’.

So being out in SoDak, where nothing is familiar, where nothing and no one has expectations of who Mike O’Neill is, has allowed me to really go deep and engage with the search for that True Self. Part of that has been the overcoming of a great personal challenge: the desire for perfection and control of things to draw them closer to that perfection. When it comes to accepting one’s True Self there is only acceptance of what is and forgiveness of shortcomings. This is where God is found. Rohr notes,

“We don’t come to God (or truth or love) by insisting on some ideal worldly order or so-called perfection, but in fact we come “to knowledge of salvation by the experience of forgiveness” (Luke 1:77)—of reality, of others, of ourselves. One reason why I am so attracted to Jesus and then to Francis is that they found God in disorder, in imperfection, in the ordinary, and in the world – not in any idealized concepts. They were more into losing than winning.”

Once again…Bangin’.

This art of acceptance (and of letting go) leads to a much greater sense of gratitude and seeing the good and God in the world. Basically it makes it easier to see Being itself in Being. Granted this isn't like a pair of glasses you throw on and then forever see the world that way, of course it’s a struggle but when you've got that perception…damn life is good. Yeah, may not be ideal, but that’s fine cause otherwise it’s still pretty damn good.

Which leads me (yes, it ain't over yet) to kind of a real life rock removal (remember the whole ego, life experience stuff?). My good JV buddy Mike wrote a pretty bangin’ blog post which I will share: http://michaelprate.blogspot.com/2013/12/holy-longings.html. Basically it’s awesome and we were talking about it in the car on the way home from the radio. He had mentioned that he was talking with his mom who had called him, “overwhelming but in a good way.” He told me that he had thought, “That’s Mike O’Neill in a nutshell.” I was a little perplexed at what he was saying but in the end it made sense. He went off to explain that (and I say this not as an ego self-confidence booster thing, I honestly can’t stand that kinda stuff) he believed that I was overwhelming in the sense that I’m so vulnerable, genuine, and loving that sometimes people just can’t handle it. Like it’s almost too much all at once that maybe they don’t know what to do with it or perhaps even be intimidated by it. And that, in a vocational sense, it would take a special kind of person to be able to handle all of that love. My only thought…shit…never thought about it that way before. Positively Overwhelming. Is that even a thing? Guess so.

Now I say this again not to say how great I am or anything remotely close to that. I’m much more instinctively going to be critical of myself than proclaim how great I am. All that I am is who I am and that’s it. I’ll admit that I have a huge desire to love and in particular those close to me. I just want to pour myself out to them. I just want to do anything I can to make them happy and express my love for them. Now thinking about that, I can see how that can make people uncomfortable and I can think of many particular examples. Just part of being overwhelming in a good way. I also want to love people I don’t know as well, but my introvert-tendencies make that very difficult and I’m stuck with a desire to love rather than loving itself. Like that drunk person in the orchard behind our house, or that elder who has an hour long story to tell. I want to show them love, but, it’s just so draining that I just find myself saying, “I can’t do this right now.” In fact I rarely find myself saying, “I can do this right now.” But hey I’m human and its part of who I am. That’s not to say it’s not something to work on but it is an acceptance of who I am, of my True Self. God gives everyone gifts that are unique and talking and showing love to those whom I don’t know is just not the greatest gift God gave me as a human being. That doesn't mean I shouldn't try, but it isn't where I’ll do the most good and it isn't where I’ll connect with God the most (again not to say that I can’t find God in those interactions). Rather, I’d have to say that God has gifted me with the ability to love those who I am close to. It is truly a grace that my person is all about close, deep, inter-personal relationships. They pretty much sustain me and tend to be the least draining of interactions, if not life-giving. It’s where I recognize, in a subconscious way, that I am a part of Being itself and Being itself is a part of me.

So to kind of wrap up and connect (admittedly in a half-assed sort of way) these themes of the True Self and being an overwhelming person in a good way…I’d have to say that accepting and acknowledging that I am an overwhelming person is just a part of who I am and a part of my True Self, it is God working through me I guess. Perhaps? Not entirely sure. But that’s a thought. Either way I feel a final quote will sum up all this nicely,

“We are love, and we are made for love, and our natural abiding place is love.” –Richard Rohr

Also if you've made it this far in this post, thank you. I know this is long and normally I’d apologize for that, however, I’m a long winded talker, a circular thinker and I take forever to express myself, and that’s okay, it’s just me. So as always thanks for reading! Prayers for Jessica, Mike and myself are always appreciated! Also for those from home, I’ll be home from December 21^st to the 28^th and I couldn’t be more excited!

The Girl from Pine Ridge

This past weekend (October 17th - 19th) Jessica, Mike, and I went to the Red Cloud School (named after Chief Red Cloud) on the Pine Ridge reservation for their 125th anniversary. Originally called Holy Rosary, the Jesuit mission transformed into an incredible school that does some amazing work on a beautiful campus (I dare not say more because of the rivalry between the Pine Ridge Reservation and the Rosebud Reservation on which I currently reside). We crashed with a group of volunteers who very hospitable to us. They were also very incredible people dedicated to serving and teaching these wonderful students.

Since we arrived Thursday Night and left Saturday noontime, Friday was the one full day at Red Cloud. It was also the day of the celebration of their 125th anniversary. So waking up around 6:30 with Mike we toured the school with a volunteer named Garrett. He showed us parts of campus and gave us a tour around the high school (it's K-12) introducing us to countless people. After that we spent some time with some students who were doing some recording for the anniversary which resulted in us hiking around some of the hills on campus and checking out some of the landscape and scenery (which was awesome) and the chapel. After that we chilled in Garrett's Faith and Justice class for third and fourth period which was wicked cool. After this we checked out the Lakota Language studies and returned to the chapel for a bit. While wondering we ran into a volunteer named Amanda who invited us to check out her Kindergarten class earlier in the day. So we took advantage of that and played with a bunch of maniac Kindergartners who were chasing us around and I honestly think trying to kill us! Either way they were adorable and a ton of fun to hang out with.

After this point the day ended around noon since it was a half-day. Amanda invited us to join her on her bus route (volunteers drive buses too which is pretty nifty). So we jumped on bus number eight. That's when I met the Girl from Pine Ridge. Her name was Sapphoria. She was probably about first or second grade and was filled with life, love and laughter. I talked, laughed, and had fun with her and a couple of other girls in the front of the bus. They shared toys, stories, you name it. Sapphoira in particular showed me her monster dolls from some movie/tv show, her penguin blanket, and this little blue plastic bear that looked like it belonged on top of a pencil eraser. All of these things she seemed rather fond of which makes perfect sense. Anyhow, we all had a really good time getting to know each other and I honestly believe there was some sort of connection made. Especially with Sapphoria.

Her stop was closer to the end of the route so we spent a good chunk of time having fun, talking, laughing, etc. When her stop was a few minutes out she placed her bear under my bracelet on my wrist as if buckling it up. So I made some comment about buckling the bear up and gave it back to her. As her stop came into sight, she gave this plastic little blue bear back to me, telling me to keep it. My initial instinct was to decline; how could I take a child's toy? So after expressing my sincere gratitude I tried to tell her it was okay and that she could keep it. Then what happened next was so profound it almost moved me to tears. She took the little plastic bear and with a thrust of her arm held the bear out towards me saying, "Take it! So you can remember me!" Even right now those words "remember me" get me all emotional. I hardly met this little girl Sapphoria maybe thirty minutes before and here she was, giving me something of hers so I would not forget her. I hardly know what to say with those words ringing in my head. Other than this girl was so open to giving and receiving love. Not even just open, but wanting. I know this because I saw her later that day during the celebrations twice. The first time we recognized each other I waved and she came running over. I expected her to hug me around the waist, but instead she just jumped right into my arms and I spun her around and she was laughing and giggling and all excited. The second time was on the way to Mass. She was on the playground and the same series of events happened again except this time she hugged even harder.

I still have that little blue plastic bear by my bedside. It was one of the most profound experiences I've had since being here. It wasn't dramatic and it wasn't revolutionary. It was simple, heart-warming, and eye-opening. Eye-opening to what ministry is at its roots. Yes, it's love. But to say it is love is one thing, to experience it, is entirely different.

As always, prayers for Jessica, Mike and myself are always welcomed and appreciated. As always, thanks for reading, God bless.

A New Encounter With Christ

Considering it's been almost two weeks if not more since I last posted anything (although it doesn't feel like that) there is a lot I could talk about. However, I feel compelled to share a whole new set of experiences that I have had and will soon have that bring me to encounter Christ in a new way. The three of us (Jessica, Mike, and myself) work at two different parishes on Sundays: St. Bridget's at 9 am and St. Charles at 11:30. Originally I was set to the task of liturgical coordination which quite literally ruined Mass for me. It became a stressful task that I loathed rather than a rejuvenating and prayerful encounter with God. This quickly became a problem for me in terms of both spirituality and just plain ol' stress. However, it is worth noting that I was also installed as a lector and an EM (Extraordinary Minister of Communion). Only thing was I had yet to really begin participating in those ministries.

However, last Sunday (October 6th) our boss, a Jesuit Scholastic, was stuck in Ohama Nebraska after a crazy weekend of snow (same storm that did a lot of damage to property and cattle in the western part of the state). Thus I was on my own for coordinating and was expecting it to be an extremely stressful Sunday because I honestly didn't expect many people to show up and I'd have to scramble and replace lectors, EMEs, ushers, etc. However, the unexpected happened. I lectored both readings at St. Bridget's which wasn't too bad. I actually enjoyed it (minus being nervous of course).

Then came St. Charles parish. That's where I was ready for fit to hit the shan (gotta thank my program coordinator for that expression). We started mass with only two or three people present...the consequences were I had to do both readings. Also I was being installed as an EME at this particular Mass and being put to work right away. Finally, ten minutes before Mass I ask the Jesuit saying Mass if he had anyone to alter serve for him since our boss, the Jesuit Scholastic, usually alter served at St. Charles. Of course his answer was no and then he proposed the idea that I could do that for him. I need to restate the situation: it's ten minutes before Mass starts and I've never alter served before...zero experience. Now on top of doing both readings and distributing the second species of the Eucharist (which is stressful enough) now I'm alter serving for the first time and received a five minute crash course in what to do. Doesn't sound so bad with only two or three people present, except for the fact that right after we start the Church begins to fill up. So I'm pretty stressed out at this point and borderline waiting to have a heart attack due to anxiety.

Then, something incredible happened. It was the most enjoyable Mass experience in well over four or five months. Totally blindsided. Yet that's what happened. I think it was because I was able to experience God through participation in those three ways. Tasks became prayers and encounters. I honestly couldn't ask for a better Sunday. So the following week I was able to officially change my role for Mass. I get to participate in those three forms of prayer during the Mass (granted not all in the same service anymore...if all goes to plan). Today I even wore a cassock and surplice (and in the words of my housemate Mike, looked like a badass seminarian rocking a mohawk and an earring) which was a first...and surprisingly enjoyable.

Finally, starting Tuesday I'll be bringing communion to those who cannot make it to Mass on Sundays (another thing EMEs can do). This is an experience I'm looking forward to a lot. After hearing about the powerful experiences my friend Jon had while he was in Selma, Alabama doing the same ministry I'm very much excited and nervous to help people experience God in that way. It's pretty incredible actually. So I'll have to post about that later.

Now, I know what a number of people are thinking, "Mike's gunna become a priest (or Edmundite)! However, I'm sorry to disappoint but that isn't likely to be the case. I found those forms of participation satisfying, which is key. If they weren't satisfying and I was craving more then perhaps I would reconsider religious life. However, I did find them satisfying, and I wasn't craving more (even though I'll be doing more come Tuesday). In fact I'm more excited by the fact that I can do all of these things and still do the whole family gig, I find that extremely exciting. So I just wanted to make that clear before I get barraged with vocational questions. However, the diaconate might be a cool possibility if that were to be an option.

Either way that was an awesome experience that I have been very blessed to encounter. One that I am very grateful for. As always, thanks for reading! Prayers for Jessica, Mike, and myself are always welcomed and appreciated as we tire to survive in SoDak (which we are convinced is trying to kill us). God Bless!

Much Needed Update: The Craziness Continues

It's been a while since I've posted and I apologize for that. To be entirely honest things have been hectic and busy. Additionally, doing posts like this require quite a bit of energy, something I didn't realize at first. However, as one could imagine a ton has happened since my last post and it would be impossible to include it all. Granted there are a couple of things that did happen that are worth mentioning.

First off is the teaching. This has proved to be quite difficult. I teach in 3 different communities (Rosebud, Parmelee, and Spring Creek) 4 days a week. In total I teach 11 different classes grades K-8 and they are almost always mixed. A couple of these classes have now exceeded 20 students and when I only see each class once a week, it becomes difficult to remember names and connect with the kids. Granted there are some I've connected with better than others. However, the biggest challenge is discipline. Some of these kids have none and some just have so much energy they just can't focus and sit still. Finally, add in the fact I'm trying to teach these kids about Catholicism, which in all honesty, is a very complex topic that ends up getting watered down in order to teach most of the kids. An unfortunate result is that what makes it special is lost in the process. However, overall the kids are in all honesty wicked cute and wonderful. That being said, I have a new found respect for elementary and middle-school teachers who teach five to six classes a day. I struggle through getting four classes on Wednesday. Feels like a marathon.

Second, is the craziness of what's been going on. To set the stage, I've learned so much about myself in such a short period of time that it's honestly overwhelming. The result is that sometimes an outlet is needed. Generally I prefer to work out as we have a ton of weights and chains and other heavy objects which work really well. However, sometimes, just sometimes...ya gotta do something different. Sometimes, you just have to do something crazy. I've already done that with the earring. The other night, in much need of a haircut (last one was six weeks ago) it was decided that I was getting a mohawk. While the process was a little stressful and the outcome I was unsure of...I have to say a few things that have surprised me. First, I have received almost endless affirmation of how good the mohawk looks. I was expecting the opposite. Second, I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I don't recognize the random dude staring back and that's exactly how I feel about myself sometimes. I don't know myself like I thought I did so the mohawk has become a physical manifestation of my inner spiritual struggle. Bold (Mike thinks I look like some cage fighter dude), different, chaotic, and aggressive (in conjuncture with the earring). So that has been very surprising.

(Also, I've secretly been excited about the recent expression of appreciation for angsty music among my community. As a matter of fact as I write this I'm listening to Linkin Park cause they're my jam, yo.)

Finally, today we went to a one year memorial service. It was an interesting experience for a couple of reasons. First off culturally, it was once again incredible to see the dramatic difference between Lakota and Mainstream American culture. In this case I think the Lakota have the right idea. The family morning cooks for everyone who comes and does a massive giveaway of goods and things. This may seem confusing until you look at it this way: the people coming are supporting the family that has suffered the loss of a love one while the family takes care of the people supporting them. It's a mutual two-way relationship of give and take, the way healthy relationships are. So we were invited and we arrived there and were fed very well and received a lot of very nice gifts during the give-away. In all honesty we received some very nice things that obviously weren't cheap. We did the best to show appreciation by staying after to help clean up which I hope got how grateful we were across.

The second part that was very interesting was the role reversal of going from majority to minority. I never really considered my privilege before but this experience put that in perspective. Being the minority and strangers we (the JVs) were watched because people were probably suspicious of us. Wondering what we were doing there and what our intentions were. We were the only white people in the room and also strangers. Without a doubt there were probably sweeping generalizations made about us and understandably so considering history. But our actions, either broke down or built up the stereotypes of our race and nation. Something that was never really a factor before. Thus I wasn't just representing myself but everyone else who was of the same skin color and nationality. That was a very eyeopening being on the other side of that perception.

As always thanks for reading. Prayers for Jessica, Mike and myself are always welcomed and appreciated. God Bless and keep checking back for more posts!

Learning About Myself: A Lesson in Humility

The past couple of days have been in short, extremely eye-opening. In particular, as the title suggests, I've finally began to understand what humility truly is. This is rather significant in relation to the fact that I've lived the past few years of my life with a particular understanding of humility that I now recognize has been particularly harmful. There is a slight back story, and I'd like to say it helps it all make sense but considering that I still am in the process of making connections between so many moving pieces I still don't see the entire picture.

What initially moved me towards consciously practicing humility was reading St. Augustine's comments on pride. It was particularly influencing as, in brief, he talks about pride being at the source of a lot of other vain and sinful activities. So I tried to avoid being prideful like the plague. I tried to minimize any positive attribution to myself as I thought that was being puffed up with pride and being to focused on myself. Instead I tried to focus on others, divert compliments to other people and lift them up and tried not to draw positive attention to myself. I would accept thank yous and gestures of appreciation but in a shy awkward kind of way since to be honest I didn't really know how to. On top of that there was a whole guilt factor like I didn't really deserve these compliments and gestures. Sometimes that was indeed the case; however, in retrospect sometimes I really deserved those for some of the hard work I did.

Of course being me this whole "humility" attitude was amplified by a sense of perfectionism. I'd always hold myself up to an extremely high standard, sometimes impossible standards, and expected myself to achieve them. I did this with everything: academic work, campus ministry work, RAing, relationships, helping people, giving advice, etc. It was quite exhausting considering I did a lot in college and nothing ever seemed up to par. Even in those moments in which I felt I achieved success there was no joy or celebration. Merely a, "Good I didn't fail here, now onto the next task." So a false sense of humility fused with perfectionism became a very dangerous and harmful thing that in the end, as hard as it is to admit, led me to really not being satisfied with myself or what I was doing.

So this going on I'm siting down with my community member, Mike (aka: The Sundance Kid) and we're talking in our living room late at night about some vocational stuff I was stressed out about. The conversation turned to the fact that I couldn't do anything about it right now since that's not why I'm in SoDak. That's when he went into his blunt, I'm-going-to-tell-you-to-your-face-how-it-is mode (which I'm grateful for) and pretty much said, "You shit on yourself all the time." While I can't remember everything else word for word but in essence he pointed out how since he's met me (a mere 3-4 weeks) all he's seen me do is shit all over myself, not take a compliment, etc. Basically he made the point that I couldn't fulfill any real vocation without learning to love myself first which is maybe why I was in SoDak in the first place. I want to say I already knew that but that hit me in a way that it never had before and that was only the beginning.

That following day was Sunday so we had a couple of Masses to go to. I was previously aware that the readings surrounded the theme of humility. However, it did not make the connection or realize it immediately. So at Mass I was rocked by both the reflection in the provided the WORD among us magazines and the homily Fr. Jim gave. They both talked about the true nature of humility which in a nutshell is accepting the gifts and talents given to you by God and using them to glorify God. This being done by using them and accepting compliments and gestures as a way of praising God and thanking God for working through you. Denying one's self isn't glorifying God as it is denial of the gifts that God gave you to use. Additionally, in relation to others, it is exalting and honoring our brothers and sisters (other people) for their gifts and talents as well even in times of jealousy, in which we have to recognize that those are their gifts from God and not necessarily ours. Thus it is a false sense of who we are (in terms of what we lack in this case) but of who God is (working through the that particular individual) and of course this is far from easy and hence it's a virtue. Thus humility isn't this thinking poorly of oneself or feeling worthless which I was used to. Rather it is being aware of ourselves and who we and knowing our place in relation to others and God and acknowledging, respecting, and acting on those relations. This was mind blowing in a lot of ways on an a spiritual and emotional level.

This still leaves my perfectionism. This was addressed by Fr. Jim in between Masses in which he told me that while we are called to be perfect like our Father, the just man falls seven times a day (scripture reference, which I unfortunately cannot remember). Basically, we need to strive for the best we can but recognize we are not perfect. Using Ignatian Spirituality Fr. Jim helped me explore this and we concluded that this sense and desire for perfectionism was not from God but from what Ignatius called, "evil spirits" due to the fact that my perfectionism never led me to any sense of peace and away from God.

So putting some of these pieces into motion together the major realization I've had is in order to be truly humble I need to cut beating the crap out of myself over everything and learn not only to accept love from other people but also to accept love from God and to love myself. Then I can be truly humble and at that point perhaps, God willing, I'll be ready to accept my vocation. As Mike The Sundance Kid put it, I've found my demon that I'll be facing this year. And in the words of the great MC Eminem (I know, I know, bear with me),

"Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fucking black cloud

Still follows, me around but it's time to exorcise these demons

These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!"

So to close out, here's a song by Jason Gray that I think is pretty much a good summary of this whole post. As always thanks for reading, prayers for Jessica, Mike, and myself are always very appreciated as we wade through all the stuff SoDak throws at us. God bless!

A Light Update: Doing Cool and Crazy Things In SoDak

So while I'm composing a more serious post, I realized I've done a ton of cool and crazy stuff in the past week and I should probably post about it. I can't let everyone think that all we do in SoDak is super serious and never any fun! So I'll take you through a couple of crazy things I've experienced here in SoDak.

First, Rosebud Fair. The Rosebud Fair was a really cool experience. I may have mentioned it before but it's worth mentioning again. Considering it was an entire weekend I'll try to keep my explanation within reason. First, I was able to work at the radio station booth (KINI 96.1 FM) with my community for a number of days. We set up the tents, served food, met tons of great people including family members of our boss at the radio station. We also hung out with some really awesome people from the A.A. Recovery program in White River and who help out with the St. Francis Mission Family Recovery program. They were setting up a tipi for A.A. meetings at the fair and my community was able to help set that up as well. While that was a cool experience in itself, getting to know these guys better was an amazing, fruitful, and very life-giving experience. I have to say I've really connected with a couple of these guys and they've already had a huge impact on me 3 weeks in. We also were able to see some dancing at the Pow-Wow. One word: incredible. The dancers were incredible and the costumes amazing. We even got to see on of our friends from the recovery program dance which was really cool. Unfortunately we missed the rodeo and mud-races, but with so much to do it was hard to do it all!

Second, our first Community Night. Community Night is a time (usually in the evening) set aside to intentionally spend time with one's JV community in order to grow, get to know each other, etc. Well being in SoDak, we go crazy and hard. So our first Community Night was ear-piercing. Jessica, being an expert ear-piercer compared to the Mikes was designated the one to pierce ears (granted she also totally offered so that might have played a bit of a role too). So Mike had two more holes pierced in his ears so that he now has two on the left and one on the right. Then, shattering my own image, shell, box, or whatever you want to call it, had my left ear pierced. So now I have a turquoise/teal stud in my left ear. Never thought I'd ever do that, but after being in SoDak for a couple of weeks, you change pretty quick and you begin to do things with a kind of, "screw it, lets see what happens attitude."

Finally, picking choke cherries and plums. As a community, we got up at O'Dark Thirty so we could leave our house at about 6:30 AM. We drove some 30ish minutes to a town called Spring Creek in order to catch a gorgeous sunrise. It was chilly but the flannel shirt I picked up made cheap while thrift-shopping in Rapid City proved very effective in staying warm. Same with the cowboy hat when it came to keeping the sun off my neck and face, which I received from one of the Jesuits. We picked tons of choke cherries, plums, and even a little bit of sage. It was some of the most fun I've had since being here in SoDak. It was excellent community time. What really struck me was at first how unnatural the activity was, but by the end it felt very much like who I was: getting up early, experiencing the start of the day, harvesting what God's earth had to offer and with people who matter to you. It was a very revealing experience in conjuncture with other revealing experiences I've had about myself in prayer. It draws into question a lot about what I want for myself and what I want in my future. It's pretty cool.

So stay tuned for another blog post coming soonish. As always prayers for Jessica, Mike, and myself are always appreciated as we try to survive this crazy year in SoDak! Thanks for reading and God bless!

The Challenge Of Finding My Own Way

In relation to my last post, there have been a number of things I have been grappling with since arriving on the Res. While the list of these struggles is lengthy, which upon reflection is not very surprising, the one that seems to occupy my mind most is the struggle of community. Community is a core principle of the JVC and is very unique in the St. Francis placement. Most JV houses have anywhere between 4-8 JVs who work at different jobs and are involved with different communities in their cities but then come together later on. On the Res it is a little different. There is only 3 of us which is below the minimum required number of JVs per house. Also we all work for the same mission and thus in many circumstances work together. This ties community and work community together in a very unique way and has been challenging for me as our roles begin to further mold. What I am struggling with is two-sided: first is a sense of inadequacy regarding what I'm capable of doing, and on the flip-side the impact of what my skill set will have on community.

For those who know me are very well aware that I struggle with a perfectionist mentality. I am highly critical of myself which has had its benefits and drawbacks. However, when it comes to what I am going to be doing at St. Francis Mission I genuinely feel like the least-qualified to be here out of my community. I seem to be bringing the least amount of skills to the table to offer the mission. Currently, I see myself doing a limited number of tasks. First is teaching catechism which honestly horrifies me. I don't feel like the most capable of individuals to take on this responsibility. I just have a sense of unpreparedness since I don't know what to expect to see in the classroom. That and I tend to feel my degree of Religious Studies is seen as lesser to the degrees of Theology that my fellow JVs have (even though they are more or less the same...minus the fact one of them has their M.A.). So of course I am afraid of failure. I also plan on working at the radio station which has been pretty fun thus far. However, I still have not fully developed an understanding of how that will fully play out. Currently I've been working a little bit on the Saint of the Week radio broadcast but nothing much more. I don't have any real ideas for shows lined up other than that I'm interested in Sunday shows such as God Talk. Finally, I'm hoping to participate more in the masses we attend via lectoring and being a Eucharistic Minister. However, training for this hasn't started yet so I'm having to wait. So that really isn't much that I feel I can effectively and efficiently do here on the Res if at all in the first place.

In addition to that I hold concerns on how this impacts my role and relationship with my community. Granted this is fear is slightly more irrational but something to be aware of considering all that is going on. On the one hand all three jobs I feel I can do here at the mission have the potential to be isolating. I've considered teaching RCIC and RCIA but it is unclear how many people would be involved with that. Working at the radio station is relatively isolating whether it's working on recordings or DJing a live show. Finally my participation in mass is isolating since both Mike and Jessica are involved with the music ministry.

These struggles may seem somewhat constructed in a sense but considering that I'm in a new place with people I hardly know, struggling with many things that I mentioned in the last post...being able to have at least something familiar would be nice. But the thing I realized was that this concern was so controlling I was trying to do things that I'm not good at just to feel like I fit in with my community. This is something that I cannot do. I need to find my own way and my own place on the Res. Unfortunately, that seems to suggest that I will be spending perhaps more time on my own that I'm perhaps comfortable with. Considering I still worry about fitting in with my community since admittedly I have a huge fear of rejection. The flip-side is that it might be nice to have some time away for myself in my work. But I do not know how this will play out and of course my natural reaction is to worry myself into a conniption about it (which is yet another thing I need to work on). In the end some more structure and predicable days will hopefully relieve some of these anxieties. I guess it will just be a manner of waiting and seeing what happens...and being wicked intentional.

As always prayers for Jessica, Mike and myself are always welcomed and very appreciated! Thanks for reading and God bless!

Cultural Experience to Res Fever: Can't Run Anymore

So we've been here just over a week and it's felt like we've been here for almost a month already. Moving onto the Rosebud Reservation (also known as "The Res") feels nothing short of moving to a foreign country. On one hand there is the immense poverty, struggles with alcoholism, addiction and abuse of marijuana, meth, heroin, painkillers, and other pills. However, that's only half of the equation; the native culture on the Res completes the foreign country feel. For example, handshaking is not an original part of native culture and thus are treated differently. In American society a firm handshake show confidence, initiative, and other good ol' American values. On the Res, that is seen as aggressive and a soft handshake is the norm for the handshake is an offering of peace between individuals and thus should be taken, peacefully. There is also eye-contact; during our JVC orientation we did an exercise that emphasized making eye-contact when speaking and ministering to people. However, on the Res, making eye-contact during conversation is considered disrespectful, especially when done to an elder. Thus one generally looks down and nods and occasionally glances towards the speaker to acknowledge that one is listening. So trying to navigate just those seemingly small cultural changes has been incredibly difficult. To top it off, this is only the tip of the iceberg, just being on the Res without interaction feels like being in a different country. Clearly we the JVs are foreigners and aliens here.

However, Jessica, Mike, and I were honored very early on in our stay as we were invited to traditional naming ceremony where a young man about our age received his Indian name. The ceremony was outside and took place on walkway circle painted with a medicine wheel on the ground. There was native drumming, the passing of burning sage which acted as a purification ritual followed by a spiritual leader who lead the ceremony mostly in the traditional Lakota language. We prayed in the 6 directions while one of the men running the ceremony was holding an eagle feather which was given to the young man receiving his name at the end. It was to be used during times of serious prayer only. After this we moved indoors for what could be called nothing short of a feast with much food which was all provided by the family of the young man. Guests brought nothing. Then there was what is known as a give-away where the family of the young man gives away things to honor people that had an impact on the young man's life. We three JVs were surprised to be honored with a small gift. We had done nothing yet and were clearly riding on the coat-tails of the previous JVs. Nonetheless it was a fantastic honor, even though the gifts were not extravagant, that is besides the point. Then after that the give away continues with smaller gifts given to everyone including those already honored. So we went with nothing and walked away with quite a bit of stuff. It felt very backwards to the American social norms we were used to.

It actually got to the point last Sunday that we all just caught a small case of Res fever. We drove almost an hour into Valentine to fine the city shut down and so we got ice cream. We spend over a couple of hours out of state just to get some ice cream. Honestly that kind of absurd. So we ended up momentarily kinda letting loose by having a dance party in our kitchen...which got kinda crazy...and it's not even winter yet.

Combining this massive culture shock, which includes geographical culture shock with people I've just met (however, they are both fantastic, wonderful, caring, and intentional people who will do great work on the Res) and the fact that the closest real town is almost an hour away meaning there is nothing to do has been tough...just like that sentence. I've found myself seriously struggling ever since arriving at orientation with some serious feelings of desolation (how 'bout that Ignatian spirituality right there, eh?). Of course to my surprise these feelings amplified on the Res and I couldn't figure my thoughts and emotions out. However, with the wise wisdom of my friend Jon, some reflection, discussion with some of the Jesuits here on the Res, and some prayer my picture of emotions and what not has become much clearer to me. In a lot of ways, I'm becoming clearer to myself which I expect will be in flux throughout the year. However, back to the point, I came to an astonishing conclusion: I've been so busy the past 4 years of my life in college that I was never fully in touch with myself, my thoughts, or my feelings. I just filled my life with things to do and as a result I ran from the questions without even realizing it.

Furthermore, my relationship with God became founded in doing rather than being. Doing things (whether for the Church, campus ministry, etc) defined my relationship with God rather than my very being. This became extremely clear as I'm not doing as much since there isn't as much to do (...yet, which I'll have to be careful of). This was horrifyingly eye opening and in a lot of ways forced me to rethink where I was spiritually and my relationship with God. On the one hand this was relieving as it put a lot of questions and fears I had been worrying about into perspective. However, on the other hand it forced me to ask some really tough questions like: "How distant am I from God?" (not how distant God is from me) and even more difficult, "Do I truly love God?" Now that doesn't mean that I hate God; it's not a matter of opposites or extremes. Rather, love, being the act of putting benefit, goodwill, etc of another in front of one's own desires, goodwill, benefit, etc. A kind of fulfilling and willing self-sacrifice where one is not totally focused on one's self but on another or others. In my mind (and no, not in my perfectionist ways) I have clearly failed to love God as I've been wrapped up in my own desires of the many fears and questions that I had been running away from. Perhaps I did good works and things during that time of business, but this does not excuse my failure to truly love. Granted I dare not think that I'll one day fully and perfectly do that, being imperfect and all. But this is a striking realization which will take much time to digest, process, be molded by, and hopefully (God willing) grow from. So combining the shock of living on the Res with no one I've known for more than a few weeks while trying to work through this major spiritual challenge has been to say the very least, overwhelming.

However, navigating this challenge and finding some sort of solitude in order to be present to my community, Jessica and Mike, and the greater community could not have been possible without scripture. So I'd like to share some scripture that provided some significant light in navigating this dark winding road:

First there was Matthew 6:8:

"So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."

Which is on one hand comforting in the fact that God will provide but also in a way its a relinquish of control, something rather difficult for me. Then there was Isaiah 49: 16 (which I received in a letter in which it wasn't an exact quote but loosely based in Isaiah, and nevertheless very helpful):

"Behold, I have inscribed you on the palm of My hands; your walls are continual before Me."

This then lead me to Isaiah 42: 16:

"And I will lead the blind

   in a way that they know not,

in paths that they have not known

   I will guide them

I will turn the darkness before them into light

   the rough places into level ground.

These are things I will do

   and I will not forsake them."

 Both Isaiah passages have a similar message of not only God being present but also that we can trust in God as well. In terms of making sense of the struggles, a segment from Tuesday Night Prayer and then some helps explain in some understanding, 1 Peter 5: 6-10:

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you, casting all your anxiety on him, for he cares about you. Be sober, be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking some one to devour. Resist him firm in your faith, knowing that the same experience of suffering is required of your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, establish, and strengthen you. 

A combination of comfort yet also understanding of how God takes advantage of our suffering to form us as better people. My good friend Jon used the example of a goldsmith purifying gold. First, the gold is heated until it is almost boiling, and this brings up all of the impurities and crud in the gold which is then scrapped away. This process is repeated over and over until the gold is pure. At which point it is cooled and polished until the face of the goldsmith is reflected in it. So that is some of the scripture that helped me reflect and felt it was worth sharing although it isn't in order of encounter, however that isn't that important.

On a lighter note, today was our first day of DJ radio training which was exciting for everyone! So as always prayers for Jessica, Mike, and myself are always welcomed and appreciated! Thanks for reading (sorry for the length!) and God Bless!

A Quick Update

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while, the past few weeks have been rather busy! In short, Jessica, Mike, and myself have safely arrived in St. Francis, South Dakota. We've been doing pretty well and we are going through a local orientation. We've been reorganizing the house to our liking and getting our bearings on this tiny little town. Interesting note, there is quite literally, nothing here. We can drive for literally hours without seeing anything minus rolling hills. It's insane, like wicked insane. I honestly don't think I can even describe it. I took some pictures that I'll eventually upload but these next couple weeks will be busy so I don't think I'll be able to do anything too soon. However, I just wanted to give everyone a quick update and let everyone know we are alive! So as always please pray for Jessica, Mike, and myself during this transition period. We really appreciate it! God bless and keep checking back, I'll have a full post as soon as I can!

The Great YES and the Great NO: The Paradox of Catholic Spirituality and Morality

It's finally August and with August comes some change! Some of the change isn't very dramatic, for example this upcoming Sunday, August 4th those who pray the Liturgy of the Hours switch from Volume III to Volume IV as the Church enters the 18th week of Ordinary (or what some would joking call "Bordinary") Time. However, on the flip side of that same coin, Sunday August 4th brings huge, massive, unbelievable change. Not only for myself but for the many people who officially begin their one year of service with the Jesuit Volunteer Corps (in particular about 70 of us in the Detroit Office). That's a mere three days away! Something that has admittedly been very hard to grasp and in some cases come to terms with every time I say goodbye to someone.

On a mere whim, I decided to listen to another sermon by Fr. Robert Barron. In particular, sermon #656 for...yep you guessed it, the 18th Sunday of Ordinary Time. The sermon that Father Barron gives is oddly appropriate when considering the content coincides well with Sunday being the first day of living the JVC lifestyle and values. Like last time I won't do a play by play of his sermon, but it's a good one and it focuses on what Fr. Barron refers to as the Great Yes and the Great No.

Some context would be helpful. His sermon addresses the age old debate within Catholicism of the world and the status of its goodness and the balance one must find in enjoying said goodness. In brief the world is good as it is created by God; however, the world itself is not God. Thus you have the basis of the Great Yes and the Great No which forms the paradox of Catholic spirituality and morality. A healthy Catholic spirituality and healthy Catholic morality say Yes! to the good in the world which participates in the goodness of God as Fr. Barron clearly states. However, this Yes! needs to be balanced with a No! for the world despite all its goodness is not God who is the ultimate good. Thus too much Yes! can lead to idolatry of the world and its replacing God as the source of ultimate fulfillment, satisfaction, and happiness (which the world is inherently incapable of doing). Thus No! prevents this slip. However, too much No! isn't good either as it pushes away the goodness of God's creation which is meant to be enjoyed (in a healthy manner of course). So a healthy practice of Catholic spirituality and morality is found in the tension of the paradox formed these two principles. For more explanation on that I encourage listening to the sermon which has been hyperlinked above.

So what's the big deal? Well I can't help but think about JVC attempting to create and establish this healthy Catholic spiritual and moral atmosphere through its core values which in turn direct volunteers into a certain lifestyle which are best described by the values themselves: Community, Spirituality, Simplicity, and Social Justice. All of these, if done properly, are located in the paradox of the Great Yes and the Great No. In particular simplicity I think is one that demonstrates this with the greatest ease. A simple lifestyle says Yes! to the world and a certain level property, possessions, convenience, comfort, etc. However, at the same time it says No! in such a manner that these good things of the world do not replace God. More specifically, it prevents overabundance of material good. Essentially, the core value of simplicity attempts to live out the message of the Gospel reading for the 18th Sunday of Ordinary time which is *SPOILER* Luke 12: 13-21 (Parable of the Rich Man). That material goods are good but they cannot replace God in any way hence as volunteers we say No! to the overabundance and obsessive focus on material things. Additionally it ties into the other core values as well (since they are all sort of interwoven, kind of like St. Augustine's theology is all interwoven; in order to understand one [time] you need to understand some of the others [original sin, nature of the soul, etc]). In particular simplicity allows the focus to remain on community in the sense of the JV community and the greater community the JV's are immersed in. It also encourages the development and cultivation of that healthy Catholic spirituality which complements morality; I think helps point the individual to understanding what is truly "just" (not without the occasional struggle of course) allowing them to serve the community in their placement to the best of their ability. Of course this is just my understanding in relation to Fr. Barron's sermon.

So I think this upcoming Sunday is a very important one when all things are considered. A day of important change for a lot of people. Considering all of this, prayers for Jessica, Michael and I are especially appreciated this weekend and in particular on Sunday as we begin our journey together with the Jesuit Volunteer Corps at orientation in Indiana before heading out to SoDak! As always thanks for reading and God bless!

St. Ignatius of Loyola: The Pilgrim

Today I sat down again with Eyes to See, Ears to Hear: An Introduction to Ignatian Spirituality. The section that I was reading was painting an image of who Ignatius of Loyola was in order to better understand the context behind the development of Ignatian Spirituality. Lonsdale puts forth four different images that he believes Ignatius was or used along his spiritual journey and in the development of his spirituality. These in order of their appearance are: the would-be romantic hero, the courtier-solider, the pilgrim, and the evangelizer. Admittedly, at the time of writing this I have yet to read the last image of evangilzer. However, I wanted to stop to take some time to reflect on the image of St. Ignatius as the Pilgrim for a few reasons. First, this image in particular is very insightful and one of the most important to Ignatius himself (he referred to himself as "the Pilgrim" while telling his life story to a fellow Jesuit who would later compose a text dedicated to it) thus it inherently holds some significance to St. Ignatius' understanding of himself. Second, the theme of trusting God and the struggle that comes with that is evidently present in this image which relates in some sense to my previous post. Third, the relationship between discernment and freedom is not only crucial to Ignatian Spirituality but an excellent topic to reflect on regardless. While I'm not going to touch on the first point, I will be touching on the following two as I feel they relate well to the service all JV's are about to embark upon.

"Ignatius' pilgrimage of course was more than just a physical journey inspired by a desire to see and touch the places where Jesus had lived. He was also a pilgrim of the spirit" (Londsdale 47).

Londsdale notes that as a pilgrim of the spirit Ignatius was, "...a time when Ignatius was surrendering to God the control of his own life. He was learning to allow himself to be led by God." Of course like any pilgrimage it was not easy as St. Ignatius struggled between a natural tendency to slip into anxiety and trusting in God. Londsdale provides many examples which truly illustrate the height of the saint's anxiety. After giving up everything in an attempt to fully trust in God on his physical pilgrimage to Jerusalem, he would become anxious over whether or not he should save a biscuit from a meal for the journey ahead or if he should leave it behind. The anxiety was caused by his fear that by taking the biscuit he was failing to trust that God would provide for him. That's wicked intense. Probably more intense than I would normally worry about things. However! That is besides the point; the point is that he suffered through this struggle and in the end forced himself to trust in God. He probably did something along the lines of, "Heck, I have no clue what's going to happen but hey, screw it! I'll do it, and I'm giving it up to You." Maybe not that exact wording but I would reckon the stress and anxiety were present. The result of his trusting in God was that he made it and more importantly it informed his future decision-making during the beginning years of the Society of Jesus. In essence his pilgrimage of spirit and his trust in God helped cultivate a desire to, "find the will of God and have the courage to carry it out."

Well what is the will of God? How does one determine that? Understand it and then attempt to fulfill it? Well this is where the second point comes in: the relationship between discernment and freedom. If I had to answer, "What is discernment?" I'd propose that discernment is the decision-making process of discipleship. Whether the decision in question is in regards to morals, vocation, etc; it is still a part of our call to be disciples of Christ. At times discernment is very tough and very scary as is the journey of discipleship. When I was on team for a retreat, I gave a talk on discipleship and there's a tidbit that I feel fits in well here. In regards to the scary journey of discipleship and the fear that can be experienced when trusting in God, 

"But this is part of the journey of discipleship. It isn't easy by any means; it is a very demanding way of life. But it is the progress of a process, of a journey. It is progress upon a path that everyone travels upon in which we find our true selves; picking up our crosses and following Christ."

So what's the deal here? Well discernment, the decision-making part of this process of discipleship goes together with freedom,

"If the pilgrimage was an education in discernment it was also an education in freedom; the two go together. If the pilgrim is at the mercy of changing circumstances, it is also true that he or she has the freedom of the open road: to choose which direction to take, how quickly or slowly to move, when to travel and when to stay" (Lonsdale 49).

Put the two quotes together. Discipleship is a demanding and progressing journey upon which we discover ourselves through the freedom of choice through discernment, the crosses we carry along the way, and ultimately following Christ. That what we are doing as JVs. We are having to trust in God despite whatever anxieties or struggles we have that He will provide for us and that all will turn out well. However, that does not remove the responsibility of discernment and freedom of choice which we must make as we make our way through our time in service and the rest of our lives afterwards. So I guess in connection with my last post, the difficulties of not trying to plan out ones life, trusting in God that all will work out fulfills itself in the freedom we express during discernment, in the opportunities we take and those we don't.

Well I think that's enough for today, as always thanks for reading! Prayers for Jessica, Michael and I are always appreciated as we begin our JVC journey in SoDak together in a mere 9 days! Wicked crazy and wicked cool. As always God bless!

Too Excited For My Own Good? Possibly.

So I'm sitting here at 10:40 PM in my kitchen in Leominster, Massachuestts eating a bowl of store-brand Cheereos with blueberries and milk, listening to the Pacific Rim soundtrack since I'm sort of obsessed with it at the moment. However, is there something I'm more obsessed with than Pacific Rim? Well, as unbelievable as it may seem, yes (look, it's a fantastic movie, probably the best one I've seen all summer). JVC is a mere ten, count them 10, days away. By the time I'm done with this post it could very well be only 9 days. The point is, for the past couple weeks I have been constantly, and I mean that almost literally, thinking about JVC. Granted in some ways it has been stressful in terms of gathering my things, shipping them off, making sure I don't forget anything, finalize insurance stuff...none of which I've fully completed yet.

However, the point I'm trying to illustrate here, is that I am really excited for JVC and as awesome as that is, I'm beginning to think it might not be for my own good. Now, you can ask, "What do you mean?" since JVC is probably (I'm willing to bet on it) going to be a wicked defining year for me. How can I be too excited about such an incredible experience? Well the very reason it is so exciting is the very reason why I'm afraid of being too excited. Let me explain.

Embarking upon this journey with the Jesuit Volunteer Corps is going to be life-changing. How? I can't tell you because I don't know that yet and the Big Man hasn't let that cat out of the bag. However, the reason there is any chance that JVC is going to have such an impact is because I've been trying to cultivate a very open attitude. I'm not thinking about after JVC; people ask me about that a lot and all I respond with is, "I don't know and that doesn't matter right now." In fact, trying to figure out what happens after JVC before JVC has even started isn't very open. Immediately, that becomes planning, and planning in this case is shutting the doors of various opportunities before they've even been presented. If you know me pretty well, at about this point you're probably asking, "Who's posting this right now? Surely this isn't Mike." Well, I don't know who Surely is but this is Mike. I've always been trying to plan my life out. It's always been, I'll do this, then this, then this, then that, and so on. Heck the reason I even considered JVC was for grad school. It was all a part of the bigger scheme I thought of and told the world. The funny part about that scheme is that it never remained the same. It always was changing which I think says something about trying to plan out your life.

So this has been a difficult process of opening up and saying, "I don't know what the heck is going to happen, but screw it. I'll do it and give it all up to You." As vulgar as that sounds talking to God, God's a friend and sometimes you just gotta open those floodgates for your friends to hear. Now, I'd say there are two reasons I've been able to make this transition from having to try and plan everything to the freeing notion of giving it up and just living in the present moment. First, was the JVC interview process. Talking with the various JVC staff really forced me to open up as they were always encouraging us to be open as a part of the discernment process (or any discernment process for that matter). That was a struggle while looking at placements. I wanted to be in Boston, MA close to Boston College where I wanted to go to graduate school. Also close to home in the event my family needed help with Kevin, my Autistic brother who was very high on the spectrum. Immediately I saw no ministerial positions in New England. The only one was at Cristo Rey Philadelphia with the Camden, NJ community. So I opened up a bit and decided anywhere along the East Coast is fine. So, I thought I wanted that position but I didn't want to live in Camden. I had also selected the St. Francis Outreach Mission but didn't give it much thought because it wasn't on the East Coast. I saw South Dakota and had a no thanks attitude...until I looked at their website. First with my campus minister and then on my own. I saw that website and I just got amped, like wicked pumped. It was totally the Holy Spirit a-movin' no doubt. But I had to get over the whole East Coast thing, so I opened up some more and finally decided I didn't care where geographically I ended up. After a nerve racking wait for my interview list, St. Francis was there and then the two weeks of interviews, phone call meetings and patiently waiting. It came down to St. Francis and Star of Hope in Houston, TX. It was clear to me which I felt was the better fit for me but I kept telling myself and the JVC staff member that was working with me that I was open to wherever I was needed most. Waiting for the call was killer and I missed it because of a senior awards brunch I was attending. The voicemail said good news, which meant St. Francis. I was open and I was placed where I honestly believed where I needed to be.

The second thing that helped me through that process was a very good friend of mine, Jon. Jon is a seminarian with the Edmundites and in a lot of ways is someone I look up to spiritually. Jon and I occasionally talked about stuff we've struggled with (which seem to be very similar in most respects) or have noticed about Catholicism, society, Saint Mike's, etc. He always talked about the freedom of not planning everything, about being open and I saw how that worked out for him. Let's just say it's worked out really really well because when you put God at the helm how can it end bad? But he helped me understand that being open and giving the wheel to God can result in amazing, life changing things. Thankfully, Jon's always reminding me of that! Point and case, Jon with the help of JVC, helped me let go of having to plan everything.

So what's all of this have to do with being too excited for my own good? Well, let me put it this way: I'm so excited about JVC that I'm always thinking about it. Well what does thinking about it mean? In my case I just imagine what will it be like? What will SoDak look like? How will I feel? and so on and so forth. That's what's so dangerous. From those thoughts comes expectations. One begins to expect to feel a certain way, or think things will go one way or another. With that expectation it becomes much harder to be open because in an almost unknowingly and subconscious way...that's planning. So I might be too excited for my own good as I unknowingly barrier myself from opportunities that haven't arrived yet. I'll admit it is tough just because 10 days feels like a very long time at this point. So it's a tough balance between patience and excitement. Something I clearly need more practice with. So these next 10 days will give me a lesson in patience that I'd rather not have. Oh well, gotta be open!

On a wildly different note, I made a Twitter today (I honestly don't care for Twitter at all) with the sole purpose of following the Pope (Pontifex). Catholic Nerd and proud of it!

As always thanks for reading! Prayers for Jessica, Michael, and myself are always welcomed and appreciated as we begin our JVC journey in 10 days! God Bless!

Daily Wisdom from St. Augustine: July 20th & 21st

I have a excellent beautiful little book. It's one of those daily quotes/inspiration books. However, as one might suspect from the title of this post, it's all Augustine, all the time. It's called: Augustine Day by Day compiled and edited by John E. Rotelle, O.S.A. (Order of St. Augustine). In the words my good friend Jon would say about such things, "It's a gem." Essentially, the book provides a quote from St. Augustine followed by a prayer and they are all his words from various works, commentaries, etc. In particular the entries for this past weekend were in a way thematically connected. Go figure they're also connected to serving with JVC (note, I'm not complaining!).

The entry for July 20th, entitled Two Kinds of People reads as follows,

"Essentially, there are two kinds of people, because there are two kinds of love. One is holy the other is selfish. One is subject to God; the other endeavors to equal Him.
One is friendly; the other is envious. One wishes for the neighbor what it would wish for itself; the other wishes to subject the neighbor to itself. One guides the neighbor in the interests of the neighbor's good; the other guides the neighbor for its own interests."
-The Literal Meaning of Genesis 11, 15

 What distinction between these two kinds of love is the object. The first, which is God (which can be fulfilled through love for the other; think about Matthew 25:40 from my first post). The second, which is of the self (love corrupted by pride, noted by St. Augustine as the original sin in the Adam and Eve story). To refer to my first post where I quote St. Augustine who says in essence true happiness and satisfaction can only be found in God seems to fit in well here. The loving and pursuit of God which is holy and manifests itself in the service of others brings that fulfilling happiness. While the pursuits of loving the self which manifest themselves in the pursuit of worldly idols that we use to make ourselves "happy." Of course this happiness isn't true happiness as it is perhaps an emotive response to change. I've gained something, I've done something, I've acquired something, I've gain respect from something. All of these things, changes, are temporal. They don't exist, the enter into existence and then cease to exist. When they cease to exist, or the excitement of their initial existence (which itself is temporal) we search for something new to replace it. Whereas God is eternal and possesses none of these temporal qualities. I will stop my theological ranting on this topic here as I don't feel like representing my thesis on time. The point is JVC requires that holy and pure love from its volunteers. Not only does it require it, I will go as far to say I believe JVC gives its JVs many opportunities to explore, experiment, discover, practice and implement that kind of love. Through service, the practice and execution of its four core values: spirituality, community, simple living, and social justice.

Now the second tidbit of daily wisdom from St. Augustine was from today, the 21st (exactly two weeks from my departure). It's focus is connected to simple living and community, two of the four JVC core values and is entitled The Devil's Entry: Cupidity and Fear which reads as follows,

"Now the devil does not seduce or influence anyone unless he finds that person already somewhat similar to himself. He finds someone coveting something and cupidity opens the door for the devil's suggestion to enter.
The devil finds someone fearing something and he advises that person to flee what is feared. By these two door, cupidity and fear, the devil gains entry."
-Semon 12, 11

First off, cupidity, greed for money or possessions is the common theme here between the two daily quotes. Both relate to pride or love of the self and how that prevents us from moving towards God. With that noted how does this quote relate to simple-living and community? First off, cupidity and simple-living have a clear connection. If you take a vow of simple living you consciously remove the drive and goal to acquire material possessions for as I just said it prevents the pursuit of God. In particular to service, this obstacle to the pursuit of God manifests itself as selfish love from the first quote. The pride-based love of selfishness which inhibits one to serve others, engage in holy love, effectively. Now, granted I'm not saying it's impossible to pursue one's own interests and serve, but in the context of a year of total dedication to service, this core value and vow are extremely important.

Secondly, addressing this issue of cupidity is important for the other core value of community. For if once again there is this engagement in selfishness among a community, how can the community flourish? Community is about engagement with others through that holy love. A community supports one another, sacrifices for one another and cares for one another. That can't be effectively done in an intentional community when one is distracted by the cupidity of selfish love.

However, the connection to community is also to fear. Fear is a real thing, especially in the particular situation of living in an intentional community with a bunch of strangers you've never met. The fear factor comes from that sense of vulnerability. In order to be a community, there needs to be that vulnerability that manifests itself in trust which is not an easy thing to truly develop. Additionally fear of a new place and responsibilities of intentional communal life and the service assignment can make be a fear generator. Two points: first, the purpose of community is support. While tough at first community is there to support its members (think of the Body of Christ in the Catholic Church) though the diversity of skills, knowledge, experiences, etc. Thus the fear, the desire to run away and hide are much harder to overcome alone than in community for the most part (granted I would admit there are probably exceptions to that). Thus part of the purpose of community is to overcome those struggles together. Which leads me to my second point, spirituality. For those times where community isn't fully developed yet, spirituality, one's relationship with God, is crucial. Also spirituality as a community is also another way to overcome those challenges.

That's my reflection for the evening as the stress of needing to pack and finalize some last minute JVC things begins to set in. With only 2 weeks left I'm hoping for time to fly. As always, prayers for Jessica, Mike and myself are always appreciated as we are soon to begin our journey together with many other JV's across the country and in other parts of the world. Thanks for reading and God bless!

Contemplation and Action: Two Sides that make up the Coin of Discipleship

I was listening to Sermon 654 of Fr. Robert Baron's audio sermon collection on his website Word on Fire. This particular sermon was for the 16th Sunday of Ordinary Time and reflected upon the gospel story of Mary and Martha where Martha is hustling around the kitchen while Mary sits at the feet of Jesus. The sermon is very good and I recommend taking a listen as I don't plan on giving a play by play of the whole thing.

However, there were two points or themes from the sermon that caught my attention. First the relationship between contemplation (Mary) and action (Martha) in light of the Christian tradition. Second, was how this relationship (and Jesus in His teachings in general) challenged social norms/culture of the greater society. In particular these themes drew my attention in relationship to the year of service I am about to embark upon. However, before seeing the connection I think short elaboration would be helpful.

In relation to the relationship between contemplation and action in the Christian tradition, Fr. Robert Barron makes many excellent points, many of which I am about to reiterate to some extent. Primarily in today's society, it is good to be busy. It's all about the "go go go" and accomplishing as many tasks, errands, assignments, and work as possible. That isn't inherently bad, being productive can be, well, productive. However, in the Christian context, being all "go go go" like Martha isn't necessarily productive. On the contrary it can be very counter-productive...at least all by itself. Fr. Baron points out that contemplation is an essential piece of the Christian lifestyle. For it is through contemplation we listen to God, we consider the calling and will of God. Through this process of contemplation not only do we gain direction for our discipleship but we gain harmony as well. This later bit I can personally attest to, when I fail to make time to devote towards contemplation, I loose rhythm and I loose touch with both God and myself. In the abbreviated words of St. Augustine, our hearts are restless until they rest in Him.

So how does contemplation relate to action? Well as I've already said, direction of our discipleship for one thing. But also contemplation allows for the greater fulfillment of action. However, it's worth noting that contemplation isn't necessarily understanding or having an answer, sometimes we just have to live the questions posed in our contemplation with hope and faith that one day we'll find ourselves living the answers. But back to what I was initially going to say which was that action informed by contemplation is action where God becomes central.

Why am I doing JVC? I heard about JVC through an information session at Boston College regarding their M.Div program at the STM. Well my initial action to do JVC admittedly had to do with my graduate education. However, committing a year of my life to living in a spiritual and simple manner with a community while seeking social justice through the lens of Catholicism just so I could get a graduate degree didn't compute. There had to be something else and contemplation has been the process to reveal that to me. I dare not say I have the answer because I totally don't.This is one of those times in my life where I have to live the question in hopes that one day I will discover myself living the answer. However, this much I know, JVC will be life-changing. How, I cannot fully say although I have my suspicions. Whatever happens during my year of JVC, will happen because I am now aware of the possibility of them because of contemplation. Contemplation has added a whole new dimension to my action, my decision to do JVC.

So what about the counter-cultural nature of this relationship minus the religious aspect of it? Well as I've already said, contemplation challenges the notion that one must always be on the go. Rather it proposes time to stop, think, consider, and reflect. I'd even push as far to say it challenges us to rest, to take a break from action altogether. For how can one effectively contemplate and act when one is burnt out and tired? God gave us the Sabbath to rest, not to make time and a half at work like society urges us to. While the choice is ours, one choice is the pursuit of something worldly, temporal, and as suggested by Lumen fidei idolatrous (for a commentary on the document click here). The other choice, however, is one in the pursuit of the one thing that will give our restless hearts rest and the one thing that will fill that inevitable emptiness in our hearts and bring us true joy. Talk about counter-cultural.

As always thanks for reading. Thoughts and prayers for Jessica, Michael, and myself are always welcome. Thanks and God Bless!

Counting down...

It's July 16th and my flight out of Logan International Airport (Boston) is on August 4th. That's 19 days until my year long journey with the Jesuit Volunteer Corps begins. I am for the lack of better words, extremely excited. If you want more details about my time there I encourage you to check out the fundraising page where I discuss my responsibility and have links to various things and opportunities (feel free to donate if you wish, but of course no pressure!).

In preparation (or at least in an attempt to prepare) for my departure I've been looking through a book by David Lonsdale called Eyes to See, Ears to Hear: An Introduction to Ignatian Spirituality. My campus minister had given me the book and I decided peeking through it to review Igntian Spirituality definitely couldn't hurt considering it's a huge part of JVC. While I was only reading the introduction there was so much incredible information regarding Ignatian Spirituality. However, the preface titled Preface to the Series (this book is a part of the Traditions of Christian Spirituality Series) really caught my attention.

Composed by Philip Sheldrake (Sarum College, Salisbury), the editor of the seires, he introduces the notion of spirituality in a Christian context while noting the challenges and advantages of composing such a book series. In the process he notes the issue of defining spirituality, especially in a era where spirituality and religion seemed to grow further and further a part. However, his response to this question in regards to the series hits the nail on the head in regards to spirituality in the Christian context:

"Historically, 'spirituality' has been imposed on the experience and a wide range of values and practices...No single definition of 'spirituality' has been imposed on the authors in this series. Yet, despite the breadth of the series there is a sense of a common core in the writers themselves and in the traditions they describe. All Christian spiritual traditions have their source in three things. First, while drawing on ordinary experience and even religious insights from elsewhere, Christian spiritualities are rooted in the scriptures and particularly the Gospels. Second, spiritual traditions are not derived from abstract theory but from attempts to live out gospel values in a positive yet critical way with specific historical and cultural contexts. Third, the experiences and insights of individuals and groups are not isolated but are related to the wider Christian tradition of beliefs, practices, and community life. From a Christian perspective, spirituality is not just concerned with prayer or even with narrowly religious activities. It concerns the whole of human life, viewed in terms of a conscious relationship with God, in Jesus Christ, through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit within a community of believers." 

I could not think of a better way to describe what Christian Spirituality is. Better yet, Ignatian Spirituality (being a form of Christian Spirituality) is very visible in this description, or at least from my experience. Consequently it makes sense that a core value of JVC's mission, a Catholic service organization, would be "Spirituality." Just thinking about it gets me wicked amped (being a theology nerd and all)! But back to the point, I believe this adds a certain level of depth to the service Jesuit Volunteers participate in. If we look at the fact, as noted by Sheldrake, spirituality is rooted in scripture, primarily the Gospel. In conjunction with how the traditions are derived from an attempt to live out those gospel values, service becomes a part of the spirituality practiced. Ignatian Spirituality is all about being contemplatives in action. This interwoven connection is visible in some popular scripture regarding service from the Gospel of Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'Truly, I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine you did for me."

A final quote from my favorite theologian and saint, St. Augustine of Hippo. From his work Faith, Hope and Charity (can you see the themes of Christianity from 1 Corinthians 13?) or the Enchiridion. He says,

"Now, once the mind has been endowed with the beginning of faith which works through love, it tends through right living to attain to sight where dwells for the holy and perfect of heart that ineffable beauty, the full vision of which constitutes supreme happiness."

First note for St. Augustine, the mind and the soul were connected in such a way that the mind was an organ of the soul in a sense. But essentially what St. Augustine is saying here is that happiness is found in God through faith working through love, etc. I won't dive too deep since I also don't have the rest of the text with me at the moment. But connect this with Christian spirituality; living the gospel, seeing God in the everyday, contemplatives in action with true happiness is found in God who just happens to be love. Theologically speaking, this upcoming year is going to be wicked awesome...both theologically and non-theologically.

So I'm a bit excited and didn't expect to write (or quote) as much as I did. Regardless, this upcoming year is going to be awesome, challenging, difficult, revealing, loving, and life changing as I go with my fellow Jesuit Volunteers, Jessica and Mike to South Dakota, to serve among the Lakota Sioux. Keep us in your prayers!